my life after cancer treatment

In my last blog, I talked about the fear I felt. nearing the end of my chemotherapyThe sixth and final cycle was looming. Every cycle hit me harder and harder, knocking me down more and more. In fact, a week after the fifth cycle, a video saying goodbye to my family and telling them how much I love them and how sorry I am for leaving them sooner than expected (at 59). I was afraid I would die before they got home from work or school. I wanted to leave something for them. I saw the video today. I really looked like the walking dead (just wearing his cap of a fancy British driver).

I really didn’t want to go to the hospital for the 6th cycle. TRUE! I was convinced that the chemotherapy, not the tumor, would bring me back. A constant understatement, “We’re killing you to save you,” never strayed far from my thoughts.

I tried to convince my wife and friends that 5 cycles was enough and the cure rate was only a small difference. (1 less spinal tap or 1 less chemo bag). But in the end there was no compromise. Reluctantly, I endured the entire sixth cycle as I endured every other cycle.

My only consolation was counting down the end of it all: the last chemo bag hanging on a rolling IV pole, the last intrathecal injection (into the lower disc), and the last night of an uncomfortable sleep. Rolling over in bed, last night. It was silly, on-site hospital meals, one last immunotherapy treatment with outpatient fluids, one last injection in my belly every night, and finally my wife had to drive 200 miles round trip to pick me up. when Every “last” that fell gave me strength to the end.

I said to myself over and over, “Wait a minute, body. It’s almost over.”

I am not a smoker. I was a lifelong fighter. What made you want to run away from cancer treatment and quit?

I am not alone in feeling this way. I’ve learned that it’s common to consider throwing in the towel at some point.Cancer treatment is cruel. I remember what a wise man once said. I’ll correct it with: “Being a cancer patient is not for wimps.” It takes strength and courage to keep coming back cycle after cycle. It’s hard to get back on track when your body finally recovers and you feel better, but the chemotherapy just makes you fall down again. It’s personal and completely understandable.

During the six months of treatment and hospitalization and countless blood draws, I never once felt like a fighter. After completing the second cycle, I wrote the following poem.

fighter

People diagnosed with cancer are often said to be “fighters.”

“He’s battling cancer,” they say.

But I’m not sure.

I just finished my second cycle of chemotherapy —

Both were hospitalized for a week.

i’m not a fighterI surrenderer.

I just lay in bed and succumb to therapy

Doctors and nurses let me put in whatever I want:

Put on another bag of chemo,

swallow piles of pills,

Roll over for spinal injections.

“We are killing you to save you,” they remind me every day.

And they aren’t lying. I already lost him 10 pounds. all muscles.

i’m not a fighterI’m just a little, frail, bald, frightened old man

I was lying in my sick bed, waving a little white flag torn from my pillow.

So the good news is that I am done with cancer treatment. I rang the bell (see photo of me ringing as my wife, daughter and staff look on). I am not cancer. No hospital rooms, no nurses and technicians woken up all night to take vitals and blood draws, no trips to the radiology department every other week for lumbar punctures, no collapses just struggling to get back on their feet. Like some kind of mad yo-yo man, I was knocked down again.

What lies ahead is the road to recovery. Sure, it’s a long way — there’s no doubt about it. But I welcome the challenge of rebuilding what cancer took from me. I can’t wait to hit the gym. My anthem while working out is Sia’s smash hit “Unstoppable.” I plan to share my progress with you.

For the first time in a long time, tomorrow feels more certain, as if I actually have a place for myself. Happy, loved, healthy and wanting to see a future where you are, isn’t that what everyone really wants?

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