Who is the real Count Binface or the clowns in charge?

Political satirist and Prime Ministerial candidate Count Binface talks about Adele's nationalization, the dangers of Keir Starmer's majority and how his pastry policies can improve Bristol.

Count Binface can't turn on his camera for our meeting, the trash can that houses his head is being polished, he apologizes. The trash-faced politician beams from “some sort of near-Earth orbit, aboard my spaceship, the Alberetta, but I come down a lot, because I'm on tour, you see.”

Sunday, Binface, a “Recyclon of Planet Sigma IX”, will pay the Bristols Earthlings a visit to the Théâtre de l’Armoire with his Bindependence Day show, the final date and highlight of his tour. He describes the show as the Binface Party Conference.

“We must take stock of how far we have come as a party, but also chart the path forward,” he said. And I'm asking my fans present that evening to help me sculpt the Binface manifesto for the next election cycle.

Binface manifest for the 2024 general election when he challenged Rishi Sunak in his constituency of Northallerton, winner 308 votes is a great read. “I think people are confused because they read it and halfway through it just seems to make sense,” the count continued.

Why isn't anyone else committing to building at least one affordable house? Why is no one else committing to linking MPs’ pay to nurses’ pay? Why won't anyone else commit to putting Claudia Winklemans in the top tier, nationalizing Adele, bringing back Ceefax and renaming London Bridge after Phoebe Waller?

I'm supposed to be the ridiculous novelty candidate, he adds. But these days, I'm not so sure.

A serious track record

When it comes to elections, Binface has a pretty serious record, having not only stood up to Sunak but also “a hat trick of fallen Tory prime ministers”. In 2019 he was a candidate for then-Prime Minister Boris Johnson's seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip, which he contested again in the 2023 by-election following Johnson's resignation.

He also opposed Theresa May in her previous character. Lord Buckethead and hungry for more. “You change leaders so quickly it’s hard for me to keep up,” Binface said. I never had the chance to ride the Trussmeister, it disappeared in the blink of an eye.

Binface also applied to become Mayor of London, in 2021, and then in 2024, when he proudly beat Britain First with 24,260 votes against 20,519“literally beating the fascists”. In one video, Sadiq Khan is interrupted by boos from the leading British candidate, who, according to Binface, “stormed off the stage” when the results were read. “Apparently he ran away because he hates Sadiq Khan, but I wouldn't be surprised if losing to Count Binface had something to do with it.”

The Count claims to have a head start on the new Labor government because he has a manifesto. They've been there for three months and it's no wonder they don't have a budget yet because they didn't actually have anything they wanted to do, he said. What they did, like freeze old people to death, they didn't say they were going to do it, so I'd say they're a little confused.

“The Starmer majority may be a mile wide, but [its] an inch deep, Binface adds. When you don’t stand for anything, it’s easy for people to disagree with you.”

My croissant policy will be well received in Bristol

In preparation for his visit to Bristol, Binface discovered our city. “I don’t want a statue of me in your neck of the woods, to begin with,” he said. It's not that I'm a slave trader, I should emphasize that.

He's interested in visiting the Christmas Markets “as long as you don't play Christmas music until December, otherwise I'll laser fuck her.”

“I love the whole vibe of [Bristol]he continues. You have a lot of artisan bakeries. I have the funny feeling that my croissant policy [to price-cap them nationally at 1.10] will go down very well in Bristol.

There is certainly an anti-elitist fire burning under the trash can lid; the Count hits the mark with some of his most serious policies. “I would abolish the entire Lords,” he said. You would have no Baron Beefy Botham of Ravensworth, no Baroness Charlotte Owen of In the Night Garden, and you would not have Baron Evgeny Lebedev of Hampton and Siberia, and my father was in the KGB, but I'm fine , governor. I would get rid of all that.

I ask him how he felt when Jacob Rees Mogg lost his seat near Bristol: “Very good. It's a… I think you could fill that gap actually, said the Count. It is better that he does not sit in the House of Commons. And long may it be so.

In addition to its political functions, Binface aims to host Question Time. “Surely the only way to be impartial is to have someone not from your planet, right?” he thought. Then I'll have Fiona Bruce as a guest and we can find out what she really thinks. Other members of her fantastic Question Time panel include Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Ian McShane aka Lovejoy, Chris Rea, Adele and Usain Bolt.

It should cost 3.50 to run for Croydon

Lowering his sights across the British capital, he is also considering becoming mayor of the London borough of Croydon if he can raise the funds. “To defend anything, you need money,” he explains. “To run for MP, 500 pounds is probably a good deal. To run for mayor of London, 10,000 people is also $10,000 more to put in the booklet telling voters who's running, what I thought was a healthy cheek. [and decided against].”

How much should the battle for Croydon cost? Three pounds fifty, right? Five thousand dollars,” laments Binface. “My job is to invest or gather just enough Earth money to piss on, and obviously anything more can cover my spaceship in gold wallpaper.”

From the outskirts of London, the count is also planning to attack Elon Musk by instigating a boycott of tweets in the run-up to the US elections. “You wouldn't be on Truth Social, run by Trump, a right-wing fascist weirdo, so why are you on Twitter? It's almost as if humans don't have the courage of their convictions.

You can learn more about Count Binface's plans on his Substack and on his podcast Trash Talk with Count Binface.