Ask Amy: A Toxic Family Leaves A Mark – Entertainment – Palm Beach Daily News

DEAR READERS: Due to syndication planning, I write and submit my columns two weeks before publication. Because of this lag, the questions and answers will not reflect the latest information on the global COVID-19 pandemic that we are currently facing.

DEAR AMY: I have dropout issues. My biological mother left me when I was a baby. Due to the extreme parental neglect of my childhood, the courts granted custody of my paternal grandmother. My father also moved in with her.

In my mind, my father “saved” me from a world in which I could have died, but the truth is that he was just as responsible for my neglect.

My father remarried and my grandmother allowed me to live with my father in his new house with his new wife. I called her “mom” until she died.

Mom was not affectionate towards me. She was very strict.

Fast forward to now. I am 50 years old. My biological mother and my mother-in-law are dead. My father remarried and moved several hundred kilometers away.

My problem is a new resentment towards my father. Having learned that he was not the saint I always thought he was, I find that I don’t want to talk to him too much.

I love him very much, but I am hurt that every woman in his life has had such an influence on him to the detriment not only of me, but also of my two half-sisters.

I don’t really want to go this route. My bitterness towards my biological mother and the lack of love of the woman who raised me made me a cold person towards the family. I feel more empathy towards strangers than my own relationships (sometimes even my own children, of whom I am really ashamed).

Therapy is not readily available in my rural area, so I am left on my own.

What advice can you give to warm my heart to the rare people who have loved me? – TWO SIZE HEART TOO SMALL

DEAR HEART: You already seem to have a lot of information about your difficult past. You made the connection between the neglect you suffered as a child and your own reluctance (or inability) to express affection for your family members. Insight is a positive start and you can certainly continue to grow and change.

As a child, your emotional needs were not met. Your mother abandoned you and the other adults in your life did not provide an emotionally safe and stimulating environment.

To fully love others, you must learn to love yourself fully. Loving yourself does not mean that you arrogantly declare how tall you are, but that you learn to accept and accept your own vulnerability, to have your own mistakes and to rely on your determination to do better. Your very efforts towards healing and self-esteem should be considered your first triumph.

One way to love others is to be physically there for them. Be there, especially for your children. Introduce yourself to them. Express an interest in their lives and be courageously expressive towards them. You should tell them your own story, share your ideas, express the desire to be better and tell them that you are in their corner – through good and bad times. You are trying to break a generational chain of neglect, so understand that your children can also be confused, hurt and hungry.

You would benefit from reading “Healing Your Emotional Self” by Beverly Engel (2007, Wiley & Sons).

DEAR AMY: I am an average attractive single woman who lives in a big city.

I am frequently approached by men of other races who flirt with me and try to get my phone number.

How can I tell them that I am not interested without offending them? I stick to my own genre. – NO THANKS

DEAR NO THANKS: It’s pretty easy to say, “No thanks.” But if you really want to push these interested men away, you can tell them the truth: “No offense, but I’m a racist.”

They should leave you alone after that.

DEAR AMY: Thank you for your response to “Shy in Boston”, the shy guy who was wondering how to meet a nice woman at the supermarket.

It may sound like a cliché, but this is how I met my husband! He shyly asked me for advice on the products.

The rest is history. We are celebrating 15 years of marriage this year. – HAPPY TOGETHER

DEAR TOGETHER: “I need a price check for happiness forever on Aisle One!”

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.