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DEAR ABBY: Our wonderful daughter has her Ph.D. She is a hardworking teacher, a job she loves. Her husband, Phil, has three master's degrees and also his Ph.D. During their 20 years of marriage, he held no job. He would say he's a writer, but if I'm being generous, he made maybe $250 during their marriage.
Phil is rude, disrespectful, incredibly immature, a bully, toxic and passive-aggressive. He drinks too much and goes to the gym three hours a day. I worked as a psychiatric social worker. My wife of 42 years, who has never said anything negative about anyone, calls our son-in-law the Grump. Their 10 year old son is a joy and blessing to be with. Unlike his father, he has a work ethic and is kind and grateful.
I completely understand that we don't control anyone else and often can't even influence their choices. Over the years we spent many nights in tears because of what Phil did or said to us. We were very generous to them during their marriage. We would like to be able to keep our daughter and grandson and give Phil a one-way ticket. Our daughter seems reasonably happy in the marriage, but we suspect she is afraid to say anything for fear of being bullied. Thoughts? — SEE CLEARLY IN MAINE
DEAR SEE: Your daughter stayed married to this winner for a reason. If she's afraid of what will happen if she expresses her feelings, it seems to me that her husband may have more to lose than she would if he thought outside the box. You have the right to share your feelings about her, but ultimately it's up to her to choose how she wants to live her life.
DEAR ABBY: I recently celebrated my sixth anniversary of sobriety. I keep having the same problem over and over and don't know how to fix it.
If I'm invited to dinner with a friend or group, when the bill arrives, someone usually suggests splitting it evenly among the number of people present. My problem is that my water and salad cost on average $30 including tip. Meanwhile, other members of the group order several alcoholic drinks which, in Los Angeles, are not cheap.
The first time this happened, I had dinner with a friend and left the restaurant wondering why my bill was $80 when it's normally $40. What is a polite way to express that I only want to pay my share of the bill? I don't want to sound cheap, but fair is fair. — SOBER AND SMART IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SOBER AND SMART: I agree that what's right is right. That's why the next time you go to a restaurant with friends, you should ask your server for a separate check in advance. If your companions ask why, explain the obvious: you're a teetotaler and prefer not to pay for alcoholic beverages you haven't consumed.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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