MLS All-Star: What does a “Maximum Entertainment XI” look like?

An old friend of the MLSsoccer.com content mines, Bobby Warshaw, used to remark/complain that the Best XI columns were the lazy person's way out. This was, of course, in response to my shameless tendency to incorporate any possible subject into a Best XI.

Well, no need for shoehorning today! MLS All-Star voting literally asks/requires the format. So, here we are with my wild (but also realistic) All-Star XI to consider before, during, or even after you dutifully fill out your ballot. Oh, and I've included a Bonus XI, just for you.

No rules. No positional requirements, other than blocking as many go-to attackers on the field as possible. Maximum entertainment is the only consideration here. This is the MLS All-Star Game presented by Target, after all.

I also include a first sub for each player. Sometimes a second sub just for fun. Nobody plays at 90, so we need to know who's coming after half an hour (or whatever rotation model head coach Wilfried Nancy chooses).

• 1st sub: Luis Surez (MIA)
• 2nd sub: Christian Benteke (DC)

Chicho is your starter. How can he not be? I'm actually excited to see Surez on the pitch WITHOUT Lionel Messi. We already know these guys have supernatural chemistry.

The Masia forever! What an all-star game!

• 1st sub: Santi Rodriguez (New York)

Lucho is a name that isn't talked about often in the MVP race, but should be.

Hate me, Loons fans, but know that Robin Lod is still on the team. I'm forcing Evander into the XI because I know he can play here based on his time in Denmark. Don't worry, we're not asking much of him defensively. Go ahead, with the typical sanguine!

• 1st sub: Emeka Eneli (RSL)

I can't help but be giddy at the thought of my guy Emeka replacing Sergio. This will be the most MLS moment of the entire match!

• 1st sub: Lewis Morgan (RBNY)

A genuine apology to all the true wingbacks/fullbacks in MLS. Then again, if we were being honest, I think we'd all rather see Bouanga and Morgan scorching the sidelines in an All-Star Game.

CB: Adilson Malanda (CLT)
CB: Miles Robinson (CIN)
CB: Aaron Long (LAFC)

Just a warning to my central defenders: you are going to be isolated in space. A lot. Always? We need a 1v1 defense. Do your best, then give the ball to Sergio.

RSF: Federico Bernardeschi (TOR)

• 1st sub: Cristian Espinoza (SJ)

• 1st sub: Hugo Lloris (LAFC)

There are goalkeepers who deserve it more and I hope they achieve it, but come on, World Cup winner/legend vs Liga MX.

Only Americans and Canadians should apply! FWIW, the snubs, especially in midfield, absolutely killed me.

FWD: Who is Oluwaseyi (MIN)

Only Lionel Messi has a better goal contribution (goals plus assists) by number 90!

CAM: Diego Luna (RSL)
CAM: Timothy Tillman (LAFC)

• Snubs: Djordje Mihailovic (COL), Julian Gressel (MIA), Jared Stroud (DC)

1) Mihailovic is gradually returning to the form that earned him a massive transfer to AZ Alkmaar. Now if the Rapids could stop their expedition goals

2) Gressel doesn't get enough credit for being Tata and Miami's midfield security blanket. Without his constant presence, where would the Supporters Shield leadership be?

CM: How much does it cost (RSL)
CM: Aidan Morris (CLB)

• Snubs: James Sands (NYC), Cole Bassett (COL), Frankie Amaya (RBNY)

How about an alternate double pivot from Sands and Bassett? I could absolutely live with that.

Wiley was born to run up and down the left wing.

One of the best SuperDraft stories (drafted 69th overall in the 2023 edition) in recent memory! The midfielder has become a legitimate All-Star. Self-imposed national cap or not, Privett is at least in the discussion for the big team.

CB: Miles Robinson/Matt Miazga (CIN)

Here we take one of the two pillars of Cincinnati's back line. You choose. I can't.

This LAFC defense is becoming a premier group. Duration is a major reason.

Discreetly, the elite have held this position for a long time now.