Eric: My Husband's Road Rage Is Ruining Our Marriage

By R. Eric Thomas

Update: 19 hours ago Published: 1 a day ago

Dear Eric:My husband comes from a very dysfunctional family, which contributed to his anger issues. I also come from a dysfunctional family, but I try to be a peacemaker.

My biggest problem is that whenever we leave the house he turns into a raging driving maniac. He is so mean that it forced us to cut our vacation short because a terrible incident made me cry (as usual). He drove us across three states to get home and we haven't been on vacation since. It ruined a long-awaited vacation. We really can't leave the house without him honking his horn, swerving, threatening people for doing annoying or even seemingly minor things. It ruins our lives in my opinion. I will not support him in public when he does these things; it makes my PTSD go through the roof. It has only gotten worse since he got leukemia and it has basically taken over our entire lives. We had to sell the house, move. He has not returned to work. (The leukemia is gone, but other health problems persist and prevent him from doing much.) He is in therapy, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

Tired of the rage

Dear Tired:I am very concerned for your safety. On a practical level, you should not get in the car with him driving and you should have an open and honest conversation with him about how his behavior is affecting you. Let's just say it really hurt me when our vacation was cut short because of the road rage incident. I don't feel safe with you when you do that. I need us to find solutions to prevent this from happening again. In the short term, if we were in the car together, I would drive.

Are You In therapy? With the triggers in your family life, you would do well to work through your own feelings privately with a therapist. You write that his rage made you cry, as usual. My friend, this does not have to be your norm. A therapist may also be able to help you address larger existential questions about marriage and guide you into a script that makes it clear to your husband that you will not tolerate the same.

It may also be helpful to ask your husband what his therapy goals are. Does he want to get rid of his anger issues? Does he have clear benchmarks against which he will measure his progress? You can ask him.

Finally, he might want to find a leukemia support group through a site like CancerCare.org. Although his health has improved, he probably has emotional scars from his journey. You probably do too. Cancer Care and organizations like them can also refer you to support groups for family members. Check them out and see if they are a good fit for you.

Dear Eric:My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, but I wish she would just let me do the cooking. While I worry about the flavor of the food and taking extra care to make it delicious, my wife is more concerned about us eating healthy and getting all the nutrients we need, even though we all take multivitamins.

Having to force myself to eat a healthy meal can sometimes ruin my evenings. I don't mind cooking for the whole family, but my wife often insists or just takes the initiative. How can I let my wife know that I would like to cook tonight, please?

Healthy but unhappy

Dear Healthy:Try a cooking calendar. Divide up the tasks and write down who will be in the kitchen on a given night. And if you don't want to eat what she makes, save the leftovers from one of your nights. That's my tip for appetizers.

Now, let's move on to the main course. Talk about how each of you expresses your values ​​through food. You cook and eat for pleasure, for umami, for gastronomic pleasure. Your wife cooks for nutritional value, for energy, for longevity. These are both valuable approaches and they are both ways that you try to show your love for each other and for your family. It would be a shame to let that love go unnoticed. Are there ways that you can develop a menu together, one that has nutritional value on its side and all the taste that you are looking for?

Eating healthy and eating with flavor are often seen as incompatible, Miled Finianos, founder of MiledEats and Habibi Supper Club, told me. However, turning to fresh ingredients and less processed foods can lead to a delicious and nutritious meal. This way, they can continue to enjoy the food they cook while cutting down on some unnecessary and bad foods, all while showing love.

Enjoy your food!