Ask Amy: The family has a savings and credit crunch

Dear Amy: A few years ago, a not-so-distant relative, 35, asked for $ 3,000 to pay off his credit card debt. She asked me not to tell anyone, especially her mother.

It was supposed to be a one-time cry for help with a promise to pay back the money within a year.

She paid him back (in 18 months).

A year later, she asked for $ 5,000 in the same scenario.

A year later, she refunded me $ 1,500 and asked for more time to pay the rest.

I gave up on the loan, strongly suggesting that she seek financial advice and no longer ask to borrow.

She has a decent job, but I think she’s a really bad fund manager.

A month ago, she asked for $ 7,000.

I haven’t answered him yet, and frankly, I don’t want to.

Am I wrong to ignore it? I think her mom has helped her in the past, but she can’t really afford it at this point. Should I notify it?

Distressed

Dearest in Distress: Your generous choice to bail out your parent seems to have been helpful in the short term, but may simply have put an end to her financial problem, delaying for years the need for her to deal with the rational consequences of her financial habits.

I’m not arguing with your choice to forgive the most recent loan, until you lend more. Savvy readers have taught me over the years that if you choose to be a banker to a family member, they must pay off a previous loan in full before receiving another.

It might be easier for you to ignore than to face this most recent request, but since you don’t seem vulnerable to manipulation, this is an opportunity for you to give your response in a loving way ( and possibly useful). A simple statement: I’m worried about you. I think you need responsible financial advice. You might be able to help anonymous debtors. Debtors Anonymous is a 12-step program for people who are compulsively in debt. Like other 12-step programs, they take a God-centered fellowship approach. If your parent doesn’t like this, there are other groups of credit counseling.

Depending on the situation, it is not wise to allow a family member to swear to you to keep it a secret. If you think it would help an adult member of your family, you should disclose this lending activity to their mother.

Dear Amy: In 1956 my mother had an affair with an aviator. Nine months later, I arrived.

Apparently he was married and a few months after I was born there was a lawsuit and he paid my mother $ 2,500 with the agreement that she would never contact him again. We did not do it.

Being a single mom was tough for my mom, but she provided what we needed.

Mom passed away in 1990, so I figured I would contact my biological father. We corresponded twice that year. Both times he was cordial, but he never recognized his part of my existence. He admitted that he knew my mother. His last words to me were, I live a beautiful, quiet life here.

Through Internet research I learned that he was married in 1955 and had children. His wife died in 2010 and he passed away in 2012. We have never met.

This is my dilemma: in his obit he mentioned that he had a long battle with cancer.

I need to know what cancer he had. I have an illness that could turn cancerous. Should I contact his family and inquire? I’m sure they don’t know anything about me.

Related

Dear related: Yes, you should contact the family. When you do, you need to make sure to convey that you are looking for medical information that could have a very real impact on your life and health. Tell them that you and your birth father corresponded briefly 30 years ago, but have never met in person.

If there are any court records of the arrangement between him and your mother, it would be helpful if you had copies, in case they have any questions.

Dear Amy: A man who said he was 94 and claimed to be sexually active with two women should be applauded for his sexual prowess, rather than lecturing on STDs.

Disturbs

Dear Upset: I responded to this gentleman as I would any sexually active person juggling multiple relationships: reminding him (and his partners) to get tested. I haven’t made any positive or negative comments on his prowess.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

2020 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

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