Just like that, at the end of the pandemic, this season of the Real face shields of Dr Fauci Memorial Boulevard. We don’t have to worry about COVID anymore. The vaccine is there, the hospitals are empty, everyone wearing masks is working all the time and everything is back to normal. Haha. I got you! Oh, wasn’t that a funny joke?
Yes, the coronavirus is still with us, as are the 900 rolls of toilet paper Shannon Beador amassed when the world went into turmoil in March. Housewives, after this week, unfortunately won’t. (Well, except for RHOD and RHOA and also Southern charm so what Summer house in a few weeks, and) I have to say, I’m glad this season is drawing to a close, and this latest episode just underscores how weird, diffuse, and confusing the season has turned out.
It started with the dramatic irony of women working through their petty quarrels knowing that in just a few weeks it wouldn’t matter if Shannon called Ginas’s house sad and depressing no longer mattered. they were all trapped in their homes. In fact, that meant that the sadness and depression in Ginas’s house mattered even more, as I’d rather be trapped in a rented mansion with a nightclub in the basement than in a two-bedroom duplex with six children, but you see. what I mean. Then we started to deal with the COVID of it all and relive our fears of those early days through housewives. It was awesome now.
Then in the home stretch we tried to grab any trace of normality we could find. The women tried to go on a trip, but it was lame and stilted and not everyone could come because two of them had COVID. Then they tried dating and going back to the exhilarating pettiness of mingling with the arts and sciences of reality TV, but it just wasn’t the same. It was not enough.
Just like that, this season ended with a limp and I couldn’t get much emotion for it. Watching Kandis Daughter Riley Going To College RHOA this week I was in a mess. But I couldn’t feel the same emotions for Shannons’ daughter, Sophie. Yeah, we had the same retrospective edit with a cameo from his band LOCK, Ladies of Rock but it didn’t hit the same as the kids say. Maybe it’s because we haven’t shared so many years with Sophie, that we haven’t seen her complete journey.
Or maybe I’m just sick of Shannon Beador. I applaud the editors for giving us a dozen different squares with Shannon talking about her different anxieties for her daughter going to college, but even Shannon’s anxieties annoy me. It’s because everything about Shannon is about herself. Even worrying about her daughters is one way of reflecting the world on her. It’s a way for her to twist the experience of her daughters and make a story out of it. At Sophies’ farewell dinner, Shannon toasts her and says, I can’t wait to look aside and see what you do. Waiting on the key? Please. Shannon will referee every match Sophie plays. She will also be the coach, goalkeeper, quarterback and good defender. (Is this how sports work?) Shannon will never let her daughters do whatever they want, she’s going to be in there to micromanage them like Nurse Ratched handing out drugs.
Shannons’ big storyline this episode was his confrontation with Gina. She is upset that Gina is talking about her relationship with John but hasn’t picked up the phone to call her. I loved Ginas’s line, all dealing with Shannon is one-sided, and now she’s accusing me of not even doing that side well. Gina and Emily are also annoyed because Shannon calls them all drunk talking shit about John a three legged labradoodle who just wants claws on his stomach and then when they call him in the morning Shannon just pretends that it’s the same fairy tale as always.
Shannon offers a good defense for this, saying her marriage was so bad that when she found happiness with John, she thought it was magic and didn’t want to ruin it with fights. But Emily and Gina both know what it takes to stay in a relationship (and when to get out on bail) and Emily has been with Shane, a subdirectory on niche RPGs, for over a decade. so she really knows that all relationships come with fights. Now, knowing all of this, I hope she won’t be so mad at Gina.
This fight, and honestly all of the arguments in this episode, is a bit like trying to socialize after lockdown: we all remember how to do it, but it all feels weird and stilted. All the fights were over phone calls or texts that we didn’t see and their meager responses. Arguments revolved around who called who and who called back. If someone accused the other of not staying on Zoom long enough, I would do a PCR test on my TV and then lock it in a closet for 14 days, regardless of the results.
So Elizabeth sent Braunwyn a long text about her pride in her sobriety, but got angry that Braunwyn only texted her Thank you, but apparently Emily called Braunwyn and called her a liar and said she was a liar. ‘she was using her kids for sympathy or something. I do not know. I did not hear the conversation. I only heard about it as a 17th hand, like it was a story of Ferris Bueller falling dead in a 31 Flavors. (I spell it with a U now. I live in England.)
It all comes down to the big beach party that’s supposed to be the season finale, but not all the arguments around the table seem like they’re based on actual events because they aren’t. not. They are not about the interactions the women have had, but the impressions of their phone calls, their texts, their social media. These are not things of iconic moments, these are things of petty quarrels that we already have with our friends. If I wanted to, I could stay at home. OH, WAIT, I have to stay at home because everything is closed. It does not matter.
The only really interesting interaction was between Braunwyn and Kelly Dodd, who turns out to be an incredibly adept ping pong player. It starts with all the women accusing Braunwyn of being fake and having no idea what’s going on with her. Luckily for us, Assistant District Attorney Emily Simpson was under cross-examination for the prosecution, and she got right to the heart of the matter. Are you in love with Sean? she asks Braunwyn.
I love it.
Are you in love with Shari?
I love it. She doesn’t sleep in my bed. I haven’t had sex, if that’s what you’re asking. Yes, that’s what they were asking for. This is what we want to know. Are you or are you not a lesbian? At the end of the episode she says she is, and we learn that she has a much younger lesbian that I stalked on Instagram that is a dead ringtone for Ruby Rose and I’m incredibly jealous. because she is hot. We also learn from Braunwyn’s final title card that she no longer talks to Shari. Accccccuuuuueeeeee me? What happened there? We need more of this story. Has Shari become jealous? Did she say Sorry I’m strictly like Sheree said in a special meeting and then take off? Is she now Seans’ girlfriend? I’m dying to know all about this, and if anyone has any information, give me a smoke signal.
The women ask Braunwyn to define what’s going on with her right now, and she says she doesn’t even know and is trying to figure out, which is right. Fortunately, Emily has more questions and it’s going well. Braunwyn says that she and Sean are working on their marriage and lists the things he needs to do to keep her. However, she doesn’t list the things she needs to do for him, and she says she doesn’t want Shari to move out yet because she needs her now. Ugh, this is just awful. I know the closet fuck you up, but Braunwyn uses her sobriety like a club to do whatever she wants.
Emily asks Braunwyn if it’s selfish and she says, I need to be selfish now. It is not something that a person who is not single and childless should ever say. If you want to be selfish and focus on your career and sleep without being in a relationship, then make yourself as long as you are upfront about your intentions and don’t hurt anyone. However, if you choose to be in a relationship or have children, you can never be selfish again. There are other people to consider, and whatever your situation, they must be considered. There is a way for Braunwyn to get sober without sacrificing her husband’s needs and happiness. Sorry, there are. Maybe she just doesn’t want to see it. She also says she’s in no rush to figure things out. But do you know who it is? Sean! He walks around in all those immunity necklaces and doesn’t send off while his lesbian wife asks him to stop emailing all day so he can pay for the house she lives in and the expenses of. schooling for her to return to school. Poor Sean.
As the episode ends, Kelly and Braunwyn shout out whether or not she should live in Newport Beach rather than the liberal Mecca Laguna Beach (also one of my favorite shows, as I’m basically Madonna with a fake accent now and spell everything with us), I just wanted it to be so much more and so much less. I wanted to know if Elizabeth and Jimmy were finally going to have sex and, not only, if the sex is good and if it is better since they waited two months. I wanted to know what Shannons’ issues are with John, not just that they are having issues. I wanted someone else to yell at Braunwyn for being completely unreasonable and apologizing for everything with his recovery. I wanted to know why Kelly hadn’t invited any of the other women to her wedding. (I guess both security concerns and because they all hate her a bit.) I wanted it all. I wanted everything, how I feel from my couch, watch TV another day, another hour, no more housewives, no more oblivion, because we hope our normalcy will return but know that it is swimming further in the ocean, like a pond of dolphins, leaving this sunny shore forever.