FKA twig on being a survivor and overcoming Shia LaBeouf’s alleged abuse: “I was just like, ‘Where did it all go wrong?'”

British singer-songwriter FKA twigs speaks in his first television interview since bring a civil action in December against her former boyfriend, actor Shia LaBeouf. She accuses LaBeouf of sexual assault, assault and inflicting emotional distress. He denies the allegations. His lawyers said the actor “denies, generally and specifically, each of the allegations” in the trial.

“I’ve always been told that, you know, I was special and took care of my heart and the light inside my chest and when I was with Shia that light went out. And I didn’t think that could happen, ”she told Gayle King, co-host of“ CBS This Morning ”.

FKA twigs said they met LaBeouf in 2018 when she made her acting debut in “Honey Boy,” a movie LaBeouf wrote about her childhood. The two began a troubled love affair that lasted just under a year, a relationship she said had red flags from the start.

“At first he would come, he would almost go, like, well, he would jump over the fence where I was staying and leave flowers outside my door, poems and books and I thought that was very romantic. But that quickly changed, ”said FKA twigs. “You know, now I understand that it’s testing your limits. Instead of saying to me, ‘Oh, you know, it’s good to have flowers in front of my door’, now I think, ‘It’s inappropriate to jump over the fence from where I “” I live. It breaks a border. But it didn’t stop there. You know, her behavior gradually became more and more abusive. “

FKA twigs said she is keen to share her story to help others spot the first signs of abuse and let survivors know they are not alone.

Read parts of his full interview below:

Gayle king: I heard you use the term “love bombardment”. What do you mean?

FKA twigs: Put me on a pedestal, tell me I was amazing, exaggerated displays of affection, just to knock me off the pedestal, to tell me that I was worthless, to criticize myself, to berate me, for, you know , separate me.

FKA twigs: Some of the worst times I’ve had in this relationship were when I think he felt like he was losing control of me, and I was trying to get out of it.

King: Didn’t he have a request from you, you must have kissed him a number of times?

FKA twigs: Yes, I had to give her some sort of physical affection a day. So at first it was touches. So I should, like, touch him and say, “Are you okay?” Like I love you.”

King: To worry.

FKA twigs: Yep I’m fine.”

King: Express your love.

FKA twigs: You know, little things like that. And then I started to really understand that and he was saying that I hadn’t kissed him enough.

King: And you never knew what this bar was?

FKA twigs: No, I think it was about 20 touches and kisses a day. And so I started to panic and I and, you know, you lose count, and the days merge. And I’m like, “It’s 8:00 am, and I have about three hours to do this.”

FKA twigs: Attackers use gas lighting, which means someone is downplaying your experience. You know, it’s like changing your story or not listening to yourself, and denying your experience, and eventually it got physical. There were certain instances where he would push me and then he would say, “You fell”. And I would get really confused. And, and I think, I would think, “Maybe I did.”

King: When did you know, “This is really serious, maybe I need to rethink this relationship?”

FKA twigs: Yes. Well we had, around Valentine’s Day we had a really disturbing trip to a spa in the desert. But it just went down to one of the worst, you know, like, long weekends I’ve had in my entire life. It got him to hit the freeway and say that if I left him, or said, said I didn’t like him and if I had to leave him, he would crash the car into a wall and I thought wow, like, he needed so much control over me that he’d rather kill us both. And finally, he pulled into a gas station and I tried to unload my luggage from the car. There were three men in front of the car. And I remember thinking, “This is it”. I was like, “This is it. I’m done.” Like, “I can’t do this anymore.” And he came looking for me and he threw me against the car and started choking me and that’s when I realized I needed help getting out of this relationship.

King: What did the men at the gas station do?

FKA twigs: They didn’t do anything. They just looked at us. And I felt so lonely, you know? And that’s why I wanted to come forward, because victims and survivors, like, shouldn’t have to feel alone.

King: And it got so bad that you called the helpline, right?

FKA twigs: Yeah and I remember after that weekend, going back to where I was staying and looking at myself in the mirror, one side of me was, like, completely black. And I was so shocked, you know? Like, I was … [starts crying]

King: Its good. They are really twigs.

FKA twigs: Sorry.

King: No no no.

FKA twigs: I really didn’t want to cry.

King: You don’t need to apologize.

FKA twigs: No, I didn’t want to cry.

King: So twigs, look at you for a second. You talk about something very traumatic for you. And yet you feel like you are the one who needs to apologize. It’s sort of …

FKA twigs: Yeah.

King: That’s kind of the reason we have to talk about it, don’t you think?

FKA twigs: Exactly. So I went back to where I was staying, and one whole side of my body is black and blue. And I remember thinking, you know, I’m a dancer. And, and I really love my body, and take so much care of it and I was looking at my body and I just thought, “Where did it all go wrong?”

King: Why did you decide, twigs, to file a complaint against Shia LaBeouf?

FKA twigs: I didn’t want, originally, I wanted to make sure he got help privately so he couldn’t hurt anyone like he hurt me. I wanted him to give money to a charity, to an organization, because when I called the helpline, it was a real moment when everything changed for me. They didn’t know I was, like, FKA twigs. They didn’t know who I was. I was just a girl on the phone. And…

King: Who needed help.

FKA twigs: Who needed help.

King: If he’d done the things you asked for, you wouldn’t have sued.

FKA twigs: No.

King: No one who’s been in this position likes this question, and I often wonder, is that even an appropriate question to ask and you know the question is why you didn’t go?

FKA twigs: Yeah. I think we just need to stop asking this question. I know you’re asking it, say, for love, but I’m just going to take a stand and say I won’t answer that question again, because the question really should be directed to the abuser, “Why are you holding someone? a hostage with abuse? “You know, and people say,” Oh, it couldn’t have been that bad or you would be gone. ” And it’s like, “No, it’s because it was so bad I couldn’t leave.”

King: Shia LaBeouf released a statement, “A lot of these allegations are not true.” But he also said this: “I have no excuses for my alcoholism or my aggressiveness, only rationalizations. I have been abusive of myself and everyone around me for years,” he says. “I’m ashamed of this story, and I’m sorry for those I hurt.” When you heard that, what did you think?

FKA twigs: I think it reminds me of some of the gaslighting that I went through when I was with him, and kind of take some of the blame but not all and then deny it.

King: What do you hope to get out of it?

FKA twigs: I think the result for me is already happening. I think I needed it, I couldn’t wear it anymore, you know? I felt like I was cracking up. Whereas now I have the impression of having returned his dysfunction to him and it is his.

King: So we’re sitting here today. What do FKA twigs feel?

FKA twigs: Hmm. This is a big question. I feel brave.

This story raises issues related to domestic violence. If you need help or want to learn more about how to help others, please check out the resources below.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or thehotline.org
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: ncadv.org
UK Sistah Space Charity: sistahspace.org
Futures Without Violence: futureswithoutviolence.org
Secure horizon: safehorizon.org