The episode begins with Jughead reminding us of what everyone does after the time jump: Archie was at war, Betty was an FBI agent, Veronica was married, Toni was the queen of the snakes, I was a published writer. .
The two ex-pairs (Varchie and Bughead) decided to go for the required ‘late night stroll’, and we learned that Jughead left Betty some sort of angry voicemail before her book launch. and Archie hadn’t dated anyone since Veronica. But this is the biggest take out I have had:
A lot has changed in Riverdale in the past seven years, but thankfully the sex bunker is still alive and well and exactly as Jughead left it:
The Serpents, just like me, can’t stand Jughead now because as a LITERARY GENIUS he has continued to do his favorite writing trick, which “base all of his fiction on his own life and vaguely change the names of characters. ” (Do I remind you of Brown Hood ???)
I think Toni spoke for all of us here:
The main plot of this episode was Hiram trying to shut down Riverdale High and not incorporate Riverdale as a town, which led Archie on a mission to save the day. Remember: this town DOES NOT WORK without Archie, Veronica, Jughead and Betty.
Speaking of Hiram, it wouldn’t be an episode of Riverdale without a Lodge family drama that I don’t really care about. Importantly, Hermosa moved the rum business to Miami. Sad. RIP HiRUM.
As part of his quest to save Riverdale, Archie is particularly upset that the Ghoulies are now living in his childhood home. I never laughed louder than Archie saying they turned him into a “drug den” to get a close up of JINGLE JANGLE !!!!
Archie goes to see Sheriff Keller with his extremely relatable riddle:
So an elite squad made up of an FBI agent (Betty), a current former sheriff (Tom Keller) and a few other people with absolutely no qualifications other than “fought a bear” (Archie), “In a snake gang” (Fangs and Sweet Pea), and “was briefly in a cult and tickled porn” (Kevin) raided the Ghoulies’ Jingle Jangle hideout.
And, yes the rumors are true … Betty and Archie had sex in the shower (!!!!!) and it was STEAAAMMMYYY.
While trying to avoid his debt collectors, Jughead gets Tabitha’s help and she quickly becomes my new favorite. Especially when they ask Jughead Jones and she says:
Betty has nightmares about the Trash Bag Killer which is funny because I too can’t sleep at night thinking about how Riverdale named them the Trash Bag Killer:
As I said earlier, we have found a lot of favorites. For example, Smithers is back!
Hannah Montana is back!
Juniper and Dagwood are back! We love a glow, and by glow I mean going from LEAVING IN A FIRE OF FIRE to just doing some homework.
Polly is back! Love these sweet fraternal moments!
Reggie is back, but Mullet Reggie is here for the first time, baaaby!
Jughead’s Writer’s Block is back!
Okay, but speaking of Jughead’s literary career, I have to laugh. In a panic, Jughead sends his agent the speech he gives at Pop Tate’s retirement party, and the agent loves him so much that he forces him to write a book about it / the little people. town of Riverdale ??? So Jughead writes, like, Riverdale Hillbilly Elegy I imagine?
We said goodbye to Pop Tate at his retirement party, and I TOTALLY cried! We don’t deserve it!
They all made a milkshake toast in honor of Pop, and I thought about it a lot:
Alright, so let’s get back to the main story of this episode! In order to save Riverdale High (with financial backing from Cheryl Blossom), they turn it into a FREE PRIVATE SCHOOL and Archie, Betty, Jughead and Veronica all put their lives on hold (“Quantico can wait”) to come back and teach even though you have no qualifications!
In the biggest twist of the episode, I agreed with Chadwick! Veronica tells him that she is staying in Riverdale to be a teacher and he says:
And, finally, ummmmm … things aren’t going well for Polly, who appears to be being chased by the same SERIAL KILLER TRUCK that we met at the end of the last episode.
So what do we think? Theories? Is this a garbage truck for the TRASH BAG KILLER? Is Polly dead? Is Reggie going to have his hair cut? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you back next week!
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