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25 Riverdale Moments That Actually Happened 5×05

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1.

The episode begins with Jughead reminding us of what everyone does after the time jump: Archie was at war, Betty was an FBI agent, Veronica was married, Toni was the queen of the snakes, I was a published writer. .

CW

Not only is that one hell of a line of dialogue, but I find it quite insulting that ‘married’ is the only term he can come up with for the runaway success Veronica … well, I don’t know. what is she ??? Aspiring wolf of Wall Street? Adam Sandler in Uncut gems? Sports agent? But all I know is that she’s more than someone’s wife.

2.

The two ex-pairs (Varchie and Bughead) decided to go for the required ‘late night stroll’, and we learned that Jughead left Betty some sort of angry voicemail before her book launch. and Archie hadn’t dated anyone since Veronica. But this is the biggest take out I have had:

CW

Nice to see Veronica hate Chadwick as much as I already hate Chadwick.

3.

A lot has changed in Riverdale in the past seven years, but thankfully the sex bunker is still alive and well and exactly as Jughead left it:

CW

All my favorites Riverdale people and things are back this week: Pop Tate, Smithers, Jingle Jangle, the Sex Bunker, Juniper and Dagwood! All we needed was Nana Rose for a truly elite episode. I’m really getting ahead of myself here. More information on this soon.

4.

The Serpents, just like me, can’t stand Jughead now because as a LITERARY GENIUS he has continued to do his favorite writing trick, which “base all of his fiction on his own life and vaguely change the names of characters. ” (Do I remind you of Brown Hood ???)

CW

How did this man even get a book deal ???

5.

I think Toni spoke for all of us here:

6.

The main plot of this episode was Hiram trying to shut down Riverdale High and not incorporate Riverdale as a town, which led Archie on a mission to save the day. Remember: this town DOES NOT WORK without Archie, Veronica, Jughead and Betty.

CW

The most important things we’ve learned about Kevin so far is that he teaches a bunch of lessons and apparently he just laughed. Succession. I also love that there is a teacher from Riverdale High named “Mrs. Crouton”. And yes, Alice is back!

7.

Speaking of Hiram, it wouldn’t be an episode of Riverdale without a Lodge family drama that I don’t really care about. Importantly, Hermosa moved the rum business to Miami. Sad. RIP HiRUM.

CW

Veronica and Hiram engage in more arguments, and I’m so sick of it all.

8.

As part of his quest to save Riverdale, Archie is particularly upset that the Ghoulies are now living in his childhood home. I never laughed louder than Archie saying they turned him into a “drug den” to get a close up of JINGLE JANGLE !!!!

CW

If you don’t remember, Jingle Jangle was a series regular in Season 2 of Riverdale, featuring Riverdale’s teen drug of choice. You might be thinking “Hey, isn’t that right … Pixy Stix?” and you would be absolutely … wrong! No! It’s not Pixy Stix, it’s a VERY DANGEROUS DRUG, OK?

9.

Archie goes to see Sheriff Keller with his extremely relatable riddle:

CW

Who among us has NOT had a problem with the gang gangs that use our homes as drug dens?

ten.

So an elite squad made up of an FBI agent (Betty), a current former sheriff (Tom Keller) and a few other people with absolutely no qualifications other than “fought a bear” (Archie), “In a snake gang” (Fangs and Sweet Pea), and “was briefly in a cult and tickled porn” (Kevin) raided the Ghoulies’ Jingle Jangle hideout.

CW

Archie proceeds to smash everything in his own house during this raid, which seems extremely impractical given that he will have to clean it up later. Same energy as having a temper tantrum as a kid and throwing my toys around to realize how much I was just hurting myself.

11.

And, yes the rumors are true … Betty and Archie had sex in the shower (!!!!!) and it was STEAAAMMMYYY.

12.

While trying to avoid his debt collectors, Jughead gets Tabitha’s help and she quickly becomes my new favorite. Especially when they ask Jughead Jones and she says:

CW

Already my hero! Meanwhile, Pop offers to loan Jughead some money, as he’s the greatest person who ever existed. Luckily, Jughead says no, but he accepts a job at Pop’s.

13.

Betty has nightmares about the Trash Bag Killer which is funny because I too can’t sleep at night thinking about how Riverdale named them the Trash Bag Killer:

14.

As I said earlier, we have found a lot of favorites. For example, Smithers is back!

CW

In the ranking of “characters that I would like to adopt as their grandson”, Smithers is a close third only after Pop Tate and Nana Rose, so I am delighted to see him !!!

15.

Hannah Montana is back!

CW

JK, this is Veronica Monica’s alter ego and we actually have the worst of both worlds. Her husband Chadwick is turning out to be as horrible as we thought, and he followed Veronica and also canceled all their credit cards for REASONS. This man has to go.

16.

Juniper and Dagwood are back! We love a glow, and by glow I mean going from LEAVING IN A FIRE OF FIRE to just doing some homework.

17.

Polly is back! Love these sweet fraternal moments!

CW

Polly fell in love with the Ghoulies, and she and Betty don’t get along very well, which is fair when you remember Polly dragged her and all of her friends into a cult that harvested organs ??? I love the way we act like Betty was just an ordinary “bad sister” to Polly. There are a lot of things to unpack.

18.

Reggie is back, but Mullet Reggie is here for the first time, baaaby!

19.

Jughead’s Writer’s Block is back!

20.

Okay, but speaking of Jughead’s literary career, I have to laugh. In a panic, Jughead sends his agent the speech he gives at Pop Tate’s retirement party, and the agent loves him so much that he forces him to write a book about it / the little people. town of Riverdale ??? So Jughead writes, like, Riverdale Hillbilly Elegy I imagine?

CW

It reminds me of when my bat mitzvah speech was chosen for a Hollywood adaptation! Again, Jughead can only write things about his personal life. This will backfire terribly against us, and I love it.

21.

We said goodbye to Pop Tate at his retirement party, and I TOTALLY cried! We don’t deserve it!

22.

They all made a milkshake toast in honor of Pop, and I thought about it a lot:

23.

Alright, so let’s get back to the main story of this episode! In order to save Riverdale High (with financial backing from Cheryl Blossom), they turn it into a FREE PRIVATE SCHOOL and Archie, Betty, Jughead and Veronica all put their lives on hold (“Quantico can wait”) to come back and teach even though you have no qualifications!

CW

We also learn that Veronica’s married last name is Gekko (presumably like Gordon Gekko from Wall Street), but for the first time I really want Geico, not Gekko. And Archie and Jughead decide to be roommates, which 100% won’t be a problem as Archie continues to hook up with Betty.

24.

In the biggest twist of the episode, I agreed with Chadwick! Veronica tells him that she is staying in Riverdale to be a teacher and he says:

CW

Sure, Chadwick. Luckily, Veronica completely told Chadwick as well, which I absolutely loved. He has to go.

25.

And, finally, ummmmm … things aren’t going well for Polly, who appears to be being chased by the same SERIAL KILLER TRUCK that we met at the end of the last episode.

So what do we think? Theories? Is this a garbage truck for the TRASH BAG KILLER? Is Polly dead? Is Reggie going to have his hair cut? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you back next week!

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