Dear Amy: My eldest daughter (26) is engaged. After postponing the wedding due to COVID, they chose a new date.
During an informal conversation with my other daughter (24), I learned that the bride and groom do not plan to get married legally. They found someone who agreed to officiate, but no marriage license will be obtained.
My husband and I met our daughter. She has been vague about her reasons and has become on the defensive, leaving us with the feeling that it is not her idea, but rather hers.
He is rich enough for someone his age and earns his money from online gambling.
We encouraged her to reflect on issues relating to beneficiaries, social security status and issues of close relatives, among other considerations.
After more than a month without further discussion, she asked me if I wanted to help the caterers.
I asked him if it was a wedding or just a party. She indicated that she did not understand why this mattered. It wasn’t really the case, but I knew then that their mind hadn’t changed.
As I do not support this fake marriage and do not intend to continue the masquerade, I asked for the reimbursement of the money I had given to help with the marriage, until he have a real marriage.
At this point, she said she would send me a check, and all conversation ended. All of this makes us extremely sad and I don’t know how our relationship will go. Am I missing something?
Dear Mr: You and your husband have pointed out some of what you see as the positive aspects of being legally married, but you seem to miss out on the whole downside of being legally married to a professional gamer.
Depending on where they live, your daughter may have to pay off some of the debt she got from a marriage.
And, given that the house usually wins, it’s safe to assume that players sometimes go into debt during downtime.
There are also legal issues regarding his taxable income. Does he declare his earnings?
Are you sure it is wiser for your daughter to be legally related to him?
Regardless of whether they are getting married legally, you might urge her to anticipate the inconvenience and get a marriage contract, reducing her liability for some of these financial and legal issues.
Otherwise, if you had previously agreed to help pay for a party, in my opinion you should keep your promise. Make sure she understands that this is the only reception you will help fund.
In private, you might be relieved that this marriage is not entirely legal.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have two friends who have been married for almost three decades. I’ll call them Fred and Ethel.
Anyone who has been married for a long time understands that every relationship has its ups and downs and downs, sometimes. We realize that we cannot know what is really going on in private in another relationship.
Our friends recently decided to end their marriage and go their separate ways. Although it is very sad for them (and for us), of course, we accept their decision and do not want to interfere.
Well, Fred recently told me that he regretted the path he and his ex-wife took towards separation and divorce. He sincerely believes that he and Ethel could fix things.
At the same time, Ethel told my wife that she also wished they hadn’t given up on their marriage.
One of the keys to our healthy and ongoing friendship is that we are extremely low-key. My wife and I are torn to divulge these secrets, but I wonder if we should do it now.
What do you think?
Ricky and Lucy
Dear Ricky: Before breaking a trust, you and your wife should each encourage your friends privately to be brave enough to communicate with each other directly.
If they lose their temper, then yes, I’d nudge them: Ethel told Joan that she also regrets breaking up. Dude, go ahead.
What happens next should be entirely theirs.
Dear Amy: Stoner Trying to Do Better recounted his predicament in trying to give up his daily potty use.
I thought your advice was correct, but I really object to you using the word stoner to describe it. Labels are for cans, not people.
Dear disappointed: Stoner was the label provided by the writer to describe himself. But I do recognize that not identifying as a stoner might help change his outlook.
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