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Dear all men Turn your offense into action




Or did the sheer force of terror running through her entire being immobilize her?

Well never know. But many women can well imagine.

Now the women of Ireland are pleading for her.

Do you want to listen?

Several women I know have shared information about vigilantes, toxic masculinity and male-on-female violence on their social media accounts in recent days. As a result, they all lost subscribers.

And so, throws all the debate, as usual, not all men. Stop offending us.

But the minute you say it’s not all men, that’s the minute you stop listening and we get further and further away from a solution.

Men, I understand.

How do you take responsibility for a crime you didn’t commit, but someone of your gender did?

It’s hard. I know.

Around 500 people gathered in Emmett Square, Clonakilty tonight to hold a vigil in memory of Ashling Murphy.  Photo: Andy Gibson
Around 500 people gathered in Emmett Square, Clonakilty tonight to hold a vigil in memory of Ashling Murphy. Photo: Andy Gibson

The following words could be addressed to fearful girls and women, who step out into the light of day in their lifetime. Those words could serve to validate their fear, their grief-stricken response to Ashling’s heinous murder.

But, if we want to solve the problem of men’s violence against women, we must speak to those who do not understand this. We need to talk to those who are apathetic at best or resentful of the term male violence at worst.

It’s not about you.

In the same way that a righteous rage from a black person can land in a white person’s body and trigger endless shame, it is not about the innocent white person and their offense to the accusation. of privilege.

It is about the black person who is humiliated and enraged to have to navigate, on a daily basis, a system designed by white people for white people with them as free labour.

Dear Men: Any injustice or offense you feel right now is no substitute for killing a vivacious 23-year-old woman, daughter, friend, sister, teacher whose whole life was ahead of her.

With all due respect, pull yourself together.

How did we do another one of those killer moments on men?

Even in death, the true victim cannot be fully recognized, validated and honored. Because you’re a victim too, aren’t you? You were offended by the term male violence against women. But last time I checked, your heart is still beating, your limbs are intact. You are on the land side.

But what about Ashling?

What about Fiona Pender (Offaly, 1996), Deirdre Jacob (Kildare, 1998), Fiona Sinnott (Wexford, 1998), Charlene McAulliffe (Cork, 1999), Nora Kiely (Cork, 2002), Elaine OHara ( Dublin, 2012) or Ana Krigel (Dublin, 2018)? The call for dead women at the hands of a violent man.


No motive, other than misogyny. And what about the many other women who will meet the same fate?

It is a deeply uncomfortable and inconvenient truth to be reckoned with, that men commit violence specifically against women. While many men die in crime-related homicides, many women die in male-related homicides.

As a society, we commit acts of violence against women on a daily basis.

In the delivery room, we offer women an episiotomy when neither the mother nor the child are in distress. But in the underfunded world of maternal health care, there’s a countdown in the delivery room.

Alanna Norris (9) and her mother Jennifer Collins (second from left) attend a wake at Leinster House, Dublin.  Photo: Brian Lawless/PA Wire
Alanna Norris (9) and her mother Jennifer Collins (second from left) attend a wake at Leinster House, Dublin. Photo: Brian Lawless/PA Wire

Government after government provided only a limited amount of resources to the demands of labor in Ireland.

In the courtroom, we give conditional sentences to abusive fathers and partners, men who terrorized their own loved ones. Because his family, you know?

We don’t blame you for Ashlings’ murder, and we don’t hold you personally responsible, though you may take the affront as such.

What we ask of you is that you take positive steps to eliminate the risk of male violence against us. This is what we mean when we ask you to take responsibility.

We can take every protective measure under the sun to lessen the risk of our daughters being murdered by teaching them the difference between consenting and giving in, telling them to walk in a group and always have the keys in the fist of their hand, but unless you play a role in eliminating the risk, we are all playing a fool’s game.

It’s not risk mitigation, it’s risk elimination. So what can you actually do? How can you turn your offense into supportive action

First of all, it’s not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to help end men’s violence against women.

How? ‘Or’ What? When your brother makes a sexist, derogatory, or misogynistic joke, tell him that you thought his humor was better than that, that you thought he didn’t need to rely on inciting violence to laugh.

If your colleague on the construction site comments on women passing behind you, respond with: Imagine it was actually your mother, wife or sister. Not so sexy now.

If any of them get really offended and turn around while saying to cool the jets or have a sense of humor, remind them that you are just responding to the topic of conversation they have. brought to the table.

If you think you have to be a tough man because that’s what society taught you masculinity, remember how Normal peoples Paul Mescal became an international idol overnight because he played a character that was the exact opposite of this one.

Be an ally

Do you have Instagram or Facebook? I challenge you to share a story about male violence, a message you see, how to be an ally or something like that. Too scared in case the guys at the gym insult you or a trainee rolls their eyes from the comfort of their couch? Imagine how scared Ashling Murphy was the moment she knew for sure her concert was over.

But I get it, it’s hard to choose between not offending a misogynist and maybe changing your mind for the better, for the safety of a woman or girl you may never know.

Ending men’s violence against women is not about curfews, pepper spray and car keys.

Ending men’s violence against women is about encouraging boys and men to express an opinion that goes against the patriarchal society in which we live.

Ending men’s violence against women means giving boys dolls and prams to play with instead of just guns and action figures. Ending men’s violence against women is about equipping boys with emotional literacy, instead of believing that feelings are strictly the preserve of women.

Ending men’s violence against women is the responsibility of all of us, not just women and some men, but all of us.

Are we going to let this national outrage pass as another part of the news cycle, or is Ashling Murphy’s death a watershed moment in our country to end men’s violence against women?

Only you can answer that by the actions you take from here. Man standing. Attend a wake. Talk to your boys. Face your own misogyny, no shame, we all have it.




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