Woman Asks Friend To Dress ‘Frumpy’ For Boyfriend’s Party
A post about a woman whose boyfriend revealed he hit on her partner ‘because he knew he would never have a chance with’ her friend went viral on Reddit, where he received more than 11,000 upvotes at time of writing.
In a previous post shared in the Am I The A****** (AITA) sub-forum Under the username Uninvited_1011, the friend said the woman (Kate) asked her if she would look “frumpy” at a 30th birthday party for Kate’s boyfriend Jamie.
According to the poster, Kate said she “really didn’t want to be upstaged at her own boyfriend’s birthday party” and “wanted all of Jamie’s attention that night.”
In an update to their last post, the user said that Jamie revealed that on a recent party, when Kate asked why he punched her rather than the user when they first met, “l ‘one of his friends joked that it was because he knew he had bad luck with ‘the hot’,” referring to the user.
Talk to Newsweek, the original poster read, “I’m not going to the party anymore…I really don’t have anything to say to Jamie and nothing to Kate except to tell her I won’t be coming.”
The poster, who was not named, said Jamie, who had planned to propose to Kate at her birthday party, is no longer doing so. “As far as I know…he still intends to propose, he’s just waiting for their relationship to be in a more stable place.”
Several Redditors understood Kate’s need to enforce the dress code. Many have criticized Jamie’s behavior and some might even consider it bordering on infidelity.
But John Sovec, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), said Newsweek that it is “important that all parties involved realize that this is only an attraction and not a betrayal”.
In a December 2018 blog post for the Institute for Family Studies (IFS), Wendy Wang, research director at IFS and former senior researcher at the Pew Research Center, said: “In general, men are more likely that women cheat. .”
According to national data collected in 2019 by survey research group YouGov, which was sponsored by the Wheatley Institution, men are more likely to report ever having had an extramarital affair. The survey found that 20% of ever-married men and 10% of ever-married women said they had cheated on their spouse in the past.
The user in the last post said she told Jamie about Kate’s dress code request and he then explained what happened that night when they were talking about how they met their partners.
According to the poster, Jamie said “he noticed me that night and thought I was attractive,” but “he would never approach me because he knew he wouldn’t. no chance with someone like me…”
He then said that “talking to Kate was the absolute best outcome as he loves her and plans to spend the rest of his life with her”.
Jamie said he wanted the poster to be celebratory, as he planned to propose to Kate. “But after hearing that on top of how she handled it before, he won’t do it again,” the poster said.
The poster told Newsweek: “Kate knows I told Jamie about the dress code, she also knows Jamie told me about what happened with her friends.”
After speaking to Jamie, the poster called Kate, who admitted she had “tied a lot of self-esteem to being cast in the end” on the poster.
Kate said she wasn’t sure she could have the poster child in her life as much as she had, given how she feels.
“I’m really sad that I probably lost a longtime friend to other people’s drunken awkwardness, but I also understand that Kate can’t help but feel the way she feels, and frankly, that’s how she feels. It’s for the best not to be in a secret competition,” said the poster, who initially decided to continue attending the party before deciding to skip it.
“It’s just an attraction, not a betrayal”
Sovec, who is an LMFT based in Pasadena, Calif., said it’s “more than normal” for people in relationships to feel attracted to and notice others.
He said: “It doesn’t mean we’re going to bond or cheat on our partner, it’s just an honest admission of our humanity. It can be a difficult time in any relationship, hearing one partner confess their attraction to another, but it’s also important that all parties involved realize that this is just an attraction and not a betrayal.”
When that attraction interferes in a friendship, it’s important for friends to be honest with each other and talk about the feelings and insecurities that arise, he added.
Focus on rebuilding confidence and self-esteem
Bill Gladwell, an expert in hypnosis, influence and persuasion, said Newsweek that “Jamie’s drunken confession may have fueled Kate’s insecurities, but it’s critical to focus on rebuilding trust instead of dwelling on past mistakes.”
He said Kate’s request for the poster to change her wardrobe is “an unhealthy approach” because it puts the onus of dealing with her insecurities on the poster. Gladwell advised Kate to “work on her self-esteem and trust her relationship with Jamie”.
“Take a step back” from the relationship
Jacqueline Fae, relationship expert, author and CEO/founder of IDL Match Club, a matchmaking service, said Newsweek that in addition to rebuilding the friendship with the poster, Kate needs to “really take a step back and reevaluate her relationship with Jamie”.
Fae said “you should never talk about another person in front of your significant other, especially about their looks and attractiveness…because it’s hurtful and creates an open wound that’s incredibly hard to heal.”
The relationship expert added: “Obviously Jamie and Kate need to work on their own relationship…if they really want it to work, they really need to start making changes, whether it’s dealing with their relationship issues. privacy or their communication skills.”
‘You did nothing wrong’
The latest post sparked a debate on Reddit, with several users expressing their support for Kate and the original poster but criticizing Jamie.
In a comment that received 3,500 upvotes, user FlatWhiteGirl93: “It’s heartbreaking for Kate. You [the original poster] didn’t do anything wrong…but I can’t imagine hearing your partner say that it would be an easy thing to overcome, especially if she’s insecure…”
Passionabsorber1111 wrote, “Yeah I felt so bad for Kate after reading this update…” in a comment that received 1,100 upvotes.
User queen_of_mayhem wrote: “So sad. On your first post I was against Kate but now that I’ve learned all this new information I think Jamie is the absolute ****** of this story…he did almost confess to pursuing Kate as second fiddle…I would be destroyed if my partner told me that…”
Do you have a similar dilemma? Let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice and your story could be published on Newsweek.
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