When Boris Johnson visited Checkers for the weekend, you would have assumed he was working on today’s big talk to business leaders.
After all, his CBI speech was a crucial chance to quell the Conservatives’ anger over sleaze, taunts, and welfare.
I don’t think we have any other meetings, insisted a spokesperson on Friday. But there’s one he didn’t mention – a trip to Peppa Pig World.
The Prime Minister, his wife Carrie and their son Wilfred spent a day at the Hampshire theme park. And while every parent deserves a break, perhaps this time Mr Johnson’s downtime showed in his speech.
He pushed his way through, comparing himself to Moses, pretending to be a car, bragging in third person, losing his spot for 20 seconds – and of course, keeping talking about Peppa Pig.
POOL / AFP via Getty Images)
All of this has eclipsed announcements, such as forcing some new homes to include electric car charging stations from 2022.
There we were as the Prime Minister addressed 150 business leaders under a makeshift marquee at the Port of Tyne, one of many sites Chancellor Rishi Sunak rejected for a free port.
It opened by praising the region’s export credentials, despite an 11% drop in exports to the EU in the first six months of 2021 due to Brexit.
Business leaders drank fancy coffee and ate croissants as they watched the prime minister ruffle his hair, gesticulate and embark on a curvy address that spanned everything from “colossal” train plans to Lenin.
Phantom Chancellor Rachel Reeves called the speech chaotic, adding: No one was laughing, because the joke is no longer funny.
TSSA union general secretary Manuel Cortes said the charlatan Mr Johnson appears to be delusional, adding: He’s right to raise Peppa Pig in a way – she would be much more effective in Downing Street.
North East businessman Richard Swart said the speech was catastrophic, telling the Mirror: We are desperate for statesman behavior to help us get through Covid, Brexit, shortages of workforce and other challenges we face.
Here are the 10 most ridiculous moments of the speech.
He lost his place
The speech derailed after he lost his seat and spent just over 20 seconds flipping through his notes, muttering forgive me three times and “blow it up.”
The business leaders in the tent seemed unsure of how to react.
An ITV reporter even asked Mr Johnson “Is everything okay?” after the speech, to which he replied, “I think people got the vast majority of the points I wanted to do and I thought it went well.”
POOL / AFP via Getty Images)
He took a long walk on Peppa Pig
After regaining his composure, the PM then embarked on a long diversion over Peppa Pig World – which is almost a 6-hour drive from South Shields – after visiting it yesterday.
He asked why Tyne Harbor business leaders hadn’t visited the children’s attraction 330 miles away in Hampshire.
He said: “Yesterday I went, as we all have to, to Peppa Pig World.
“I don’t know if you’ve been to Peppa Pig’s world, who’s been there, point your hand at anyone who’s been in Peppa Pig’s world?” Not enough. “
He added, “I loved it and Peppa Pig World is really my kind of place. There are very safe streets, bad discipline in schools, a big emphasis on new public transport systems, even s. ‘they’re kinda stereotypical about Daddy Pig. “
George Bell / SWNS)
He even used it as an excuse to denigrate the officials.
There was a bizarre moment when Mr Johnson said “no Whitehall official could have imagined Peppa”.
Maybe because designing cartoon characters for children’s television isn’t their job – never know.
Praising the character as an example of British creativity, he continued: “Who would have thought that a pig that looks like a hair dryer or maybe a hair dryer a la Picasso, a pig that was rejected by the BBC , would now be exported to 180 countries with theme parks in America and China? ”
It has been reported that the BBC did not, in fact, reject Peppa Pig. We called them to verify.
He pretended to be a broom sweeping car
The speech was meant to polish his green credentials, so of course he spent quite a bit of time talking about the fact that he didn’t have one before.
The Prime Minister recalled trying out a Tesla car while writing about the automobile for GQ magazine, which expired on the M40 expressway.
He also claimed during his childhood that none of the UK grids were wind powered – saying: It seemed fashionable and ridiculous to imagine that we could light and heat our homes with technology that dated back to Persia from the ninth century.
But he claimed the technology had improved, adding: electric vehicles can’t buzz like sucking doves and they don’t have that brah brah broom you love, but they have so much torque that they turn them off. lights faster than a Ferrari.
POOL / AFP via Getty Images)
He compared himself to Moses
The prime minister compared his 10-point plan for a green industrial revolution to the commandments given by Moses from Mount Sinai.
He said: We have laid out a 10 point plan for government leadership – a new decalogue that I produced exactly one year ago when I came down from Sinai and told my officials, the new 10 commandments – you will develop.
He then listed offshore wind, hydrogen, nuclear power, electric vehicles, green public transport, jet zero, greener buildings and ships, carbon capture and green finance.
He praised the vision of himself, in the third person
The surge in modesty continued when Mr Johnson hailed Battersea now as a great Funkapolitan hive of cafes, restaurants, hotels and homes – thanks to the vision of the former mayor.
This former mayor was of course himself, and he glossed over complaints about shiny new housing in Batterseas being ripped off by foreign investors, having poor doors etc.
Battersea was a wreck, good for nothing except the final shootout in gangster movies, before he took power, he said. Coal now provides less than 2% of our electricity, and by 2024 it will have fallen to zero.
He quoted Lenin
“Lenin once said that the communist revolution was the Soviet power plus the electrification of the whole country,” Mr Johnson said in his keynote address.
“The industrial revolution to come is green energy plus electrification of the whole country. We electrify our cars, we electrify our railroads.”
He spun the facts on the high speed train
Mr Johnson boasted: Last week we announced three vast new high-speed lines, cutting time from London to Manchester by an hour and creating a new Crossrail of the North.
What he didn’t mention is that these three vast new high-speed lines are, in fact, the remnants of much larger plans for HS2 and Northern Powerhouse Rail.
POOL / AFP via Getty Images)
Originally, it was hoped that the entire NPR would be a new high-speed runway; now only a part will be. The HS2 trains will also use the existing track east of the East Midlands Parkway and will not even stop in Leeds.
He claimed media coverage, stressing that this embarrassing fact was missing the point. He added: You are foolish as a railroad enthusiast, which I am, to think that you always have to dig huge new trenches through pristine countryside, villages and subdivisions to ride high-speed rail. speed. “
And social protection
Boris Johnson insisted his social care funding reforms are “incredibly generous – despite cutting 900 million euros a year for the poorest and northern residents.”
There will be a care cap of 86,000 on a person’s lifetime payments – and you’ll get government funding if your assets drop below 100,000.
But as part of a change due to be voted on tonight, people on state aid will crawl more slowly towards the ceiling. This is because only their personal payments will count, not the state aid they get.
The PM claimed he was, in fact, more generous than some of Andrew Dilnot’s original proposals, as he not only helps people in institutions, but also those receiving care at home.
He added, “In the existing system, nobody gets support if they have 23,000 assets or more. Now you get support if you have 100,000 or less, so we help people.
But Sir Andrew has said that while the proposals are more generous than what we have now, the change announced this week is not gradual and will leave the poorest homeowners at catastrophic costs.
And he conveniently forgot his fucking commercial remark
The PM said I was never more than the number one business fan, although he privately said f *** business in a row from 2018 Brexit .
Lib Dem leader Ed Davey said: “The Prime Minister has said he is going to do business – the least he can do is give a decent speech.
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