Forget Boris: Carrie Johnson's memoir is the book the nation wants

The day Carrie Johnson unlocked her Instagram account and made it public, no fewer than four people messaged me to let me know. I'd like to pretend I was too cool to care, but if I'm honest, I was crazy excited. I've had a crush on Johnson ever since she started dating Boris, so peeking behind the curtain was an awkward and exciting day for me.

After the initial thrill of having a good rod, Carrie has mostly blended in with the rest of the women I follow on Instagram. I'm tragically a middle class woman in my thirties, so my social platforms are wall to wall babies with semi-vintage names, country trips, hat to the races, headbands and dresses at weddings, sleepless nights with young children, a pet. ducks and family summer vacation. And Carries’ posts reflect that.

And then, every now and then, I catch a glimpse of her husband, half in the frame, and I remember that unlike every other woman I follow on Instagram, Carrie is married to the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and probably knows things that are covered in the official newspaper. Secrets Act, and met with most world leaders. So while this week saw the announcement of Boris's upcoming autobiography, Unchained, I can't help but be disappointed. There's only one Johnson autobiography I want to read, and that's Carries.

Boris's book will probably be a long rambling about Brexit, the Tories who have been mean to him and how much he loves Latin. Carrie Johnson: The Memoirs, on the other hand, would have all the makings of a great story. There is a young, beautiful, ambitious protagonist, Becky Sharp, and a powerful, arguably charismatic, older man. Vanity Fair for the 2010s. The iron Thrones but at Rixo.

It's such a good story that I'm almost tempted to pass it off as fiction, but honestly, I don't think anyone could imagine a better story than the truth. Sure, Boris might know some juicy gossip about Kim Jong-un or net zero, and I'm sure it's all very interesting. But I want to know how the first single partner of a sitting prime minister to stay at Balmoral feels. How do you go from being a 29-year-old head of communications for the Conservative Party, living in London and presumably going to the pub with your friends, to living with the current Prime Minister?

Apparently, in 2018, Boris, then Foreign Minister, showed up at Carries Abba's 30th birthday party. Imagine for a moment that you are in a bar, wearing a pair of gold flares that you bought from Asos, and wondering if you are drunk enough to smoke a cigarette, when the former Mayor of London and soon to be Prime Minister has stopped. I'm sorry, but as someone who loves gossip and lives for drama, it's just overwhelming to think that I may never get to read an account of all this.

Speaking of drama, perhaps the most compelling reason for Carrie to write her memoir would be that it would represent a chance to get revenge on Dominic Cummings. Personally, I think she deserves a chance to put her side of the story on paper.

Cummings had a lot to say about her, directly and indirectly, and if someone had called me crazy, I would have wanted to write a book to get back at them. And, selfishly, I want to know how Carrie channeled her great Anne Boleyn energy to influence Boris and triumph over Cummings, whom Boris once seemed to adore.

If Carrie isn't ready to write her memoir (they say it's gauche to write one too young), then I'd be willing to settle for a self-help book. I read a lot of books on how to become a better person, manage my life better, and be a better parent. And honestly, none of them made much of a difference. I'd much rather pay 14.99 for Carrie to tell me how you go from photocopying at CCHQ to supposedly influencing British politics, to living in a giant house in the countryside, to having lovely parties surrounded by babies and ducks.