Santa will leave naughty children a copy of Boris Johnson's memoir about moving away from fossil fuels

Instead of coal this Christmas, Santa Claus found something else to give to poorly behaved children to make sure they know they are not well thought of.

This Christmas morning, disobedient and mischievous children will open their stockings to face the ultimate horror a copy of Boris Johnson's Unleashed.

Santa explained: “For hundreds of years I have given children lumps of coal to force them to look at themselves and recognize their terrible behavior.

Besides the devastating disappointment of not receiving any gifts, they looked at their blackened hands and realized that their character, not just their bodies, was stained.

The intention was always to make them feel impure. To contaminate them with rancid gunk that wouldn't come off for days, no matter how much they washed in the bath.

Of course, these days I have to find a way to do this while being environmentally friendly. It's not entirely altruistic: if the polar ice caps melt, I'll be homeless!

But what would be shocking and traumatic enough to reform naughty boys and girls while being made of 100% recyclable materials?

And then I realized that the lies, vanity and self-aggrandizement of a Boris Johnson memoir would be ideal!

These kids will spend the next decade doing their homework and putting on their shoes before they're even asked, terrified of seeing a book by Theresa May or Liz Truss hurtling down their chimney next Christmas. .

You may have read that Unleashed topped Amazon's UK sales chart – that's all me. There are loads of shitty kids in Britain!

Social services are now investigating Santa's plans, fearing he may go too far.

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