Another reset? Has the Labor Party lost its mind like the Conservatives? | John Crace

Tthere must be something in the water. It's normally early January when people start thinking about getting a makeover. New Year! New you! This kind of nonsense. But this year, everyone seems to be getting a head start and relaunching in December. Even Gregg Wallace, who goes out of his way to come off as a creepy misogynist. Just to eliminate any possibility of doubt.

Maybe everyone has already had enough of 2024. It has gone on far too long and has been a bit disappointing. Few things turned out as hoped. Westminster itself is limping towards Christmas. While Jess Phillips introduced a stalking bill, all the Tories really wanted to talk about was returning the Parthenon sculptures to Labor. Which they didn't even say they were going to do.

But it doesn't matter. Every time the Greek Prime Minister comes to visit the UK, the Conservatives can't help but lose their marbles. Boom, Tish! This time it was shadow culture minister Saqib Bhatti who accused the government of giving in to the radical left by even considering lending the sculptures to Greece.

It is a question of principle for the Conservatives. Take the moral high ground. Because a country that allowed us Brits to trash its heritage a few hundred years ago clearly couldn't be trusted to look after its own treasures.

Obviously, what would happen if we returned the sculptures to the Greeks is that in no time, another country would come along and use them. And this new country wouldn't look after them as well as we did, so the only solution was to keep the marbles here in the British Museum. Fortunately, no one came to Britain to help themselves to Stonehenge. Because the conservatives would then lead the campaign for him to stay in his new country.

Amid all this manufactured nonsense, Labor is planning its own reset on Thursday. Now, forgive me for being a little gloomy, I could have sworn that the Labor Party had already had a reset or two. Even though we had only been in power for five months. There was the one where Keir Starmer called everyone back early from their summer vacation to tell them that everything was even shittier than he imagined and that everyone was going to die.

Then there was the reset after the gift row. That time Keir promised to stick to cheap suits and pay for his own football tickets. After that we were treated to a reset in which Labor ousted Sue Gray and promised to appear less chaotic.

Now we have the big one. A reset so important that it was presented to the newspapers a week before its launch. Presumably, to give the government a chance to rework anything that hasn't worked well. To reset the great reset. Here we were promised measurable milestones. Hmm. Most of us would be satisfied with a few basic signs of competence. At the moment, it seems that all the ministers are keeping a low profile, terrified of the sky falling on their heads.

Labor is not alone in planning a reset. Boris Johnson too. Sort of. There is obviously an ontological problem here. Because a sociopathic liar will always lie. That's what they do. So it's unclear whether Boris is undergoing a reset or just lying. Or, more confusingly, lies about a reset.

Never mind. Earlier this week, Johnson gave an interview to Spectator TV before flying out to inflict his dreary and largely fictional memoir about Australia and New Zealand. Lucky for them. Still, it gives us pause, I guess. But between discussions of choppy climaxes, Boris is the Gregg Wallace of the political sphere. No chance to make inappropriate sexual innuendos is missed. Johnson has tried to position himself as a long-time Eurosceptic.

He had been campaigning for 30 years for Britain to leave the EU, he insisted. A statement that has remained completely uncontested. Except he, of course, hadn't. There have been many TV interviews with him this century in which he said he would vote to remain in the EU and that the single market and customs union were things of beauty. Boris's long-term struggle to rewrite his life into a version he can live with continues. It will be a work in progress until he pops his clogs.

Jacob Rees-Moggs' reset is a little more prosaic. A reality show on Discovery+ called Meet the Rees-Moggs, in which Jacob turns out to be rather better than expected, thanks in large part to the appearance of his wife, Helena, and six children. That's not to say they won't need therapy by the time the final episode airs, but so far so good. Jakey has a lot to thank his family for. They have a lot to bear.

As part of his promotion of the show, on Tuesday Rees-Mogg appeared in a webinar on grassroots conservatism with Mark Littlewood, the former director of the Institute of Economic Affairs. An opportunity to remind everyone that he is still there and that reports of his political disappearance have been exaggerated. We have been warned.

Jacob started the show. He wanted to be more like Nigel Farage. A man of the people in an oversized suit. Little by little, we waltzed through the recent stories of the conservatives. Surprisingly, despite serving as a minister under two prime ministers, Rees-Mogg held himself accountable for nothing. It had all been someone else's fault. He was the last true conservative alive. The party had been overtaken by the socialists. The Bank of England was staffed by communists. Just like the civil service.

It was time to forget about net zero. He has no idea how energy rates work. Imagine if we fracked the whole country, then we would have cheap energy for generations to come. Brexit was the only true religion. The importance of the nation state. Standing alone. Let us not bow to any international body. NATO. The UN. The ECHR. The ICC. They were all dead for him.

This was the Jakey he had kept hidden in Meet the Rees-Moggs. There, he had been effortlessly charming. Happy to be considered an English eccentric. Here it was much more worrying. A fanatic who believed the country was in the hands of the far left. For which the only solution was to veer ever more to the right. It's not a country many of us would recognize. Maybe it needs another reset.

• Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy from guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.