Geraldo Rivera reminds me of this guy in college who plays the delicate role of go-between after two of his friends go their separate ways.
Do you remember this guy? And how did he ever gently let Steve know that he should skip Saturday’s rave because Miranda was bringing her new boyfriend? The intermediary role is to normalize a new normal. It is pushing to relax. It’s about helping one party come to terms with the loss, which allows both parties to move on.
But unlike that guy in college, Geraldo is now the go-between in Donald Trump’s nasty breakup with America. And it’s more complicated than separating two 20-year-olds in a barrel. For starters, Trump refuses to accept that it’s over.
America may well have to file a restraining order.
Lies! Delusions! The baseless allegations of cheating! Zero proof!
For a man who’s been married three times, you’d think Trump would know when to grab a duffel bag and pack his toothbrush, bronzer, and Superman Underoos. Instead, he smashes the good china, threatening the porn with revenge and vowing to burn the house down as he’s locked in the attic with tears torn apart: “If I can’t be with America, no one can! “
Enter his mate Geraldo.
In recent days, the traveling Fox News correspondent – he’s like the dishwasher chef at Panda Express – has done his best to be a responsible middleman. He praised his friend. He encouraged Trump to accept the loss with grace and dignity.
But with none of that working, Geraldo has a new plan.
And it’s more ridiculous than the time he opened Al Capone’s empty chest.
On Friday, as Pfizer applied for emergency use authorization for a promising vaccine – and other vaccines on the way – a blister exploded in Geraldo’s head.
“Why not name the vaccine ‘The Trump’?” he wondered aloud on “Fox & Friends”, as the three co-hosts stared at the cameras with blank expressions. “Do like, ‘Have you ever got your Trump?’ No, that would be a nice gesture for him. And in years, it would just become some sort of generic name: “Do you already have your Trump?” “Yeah, I have my Trump. I’m fine!’ I wish we could honor him in this way.
I’m sorry, what? You want to pay tribute to a guy who played down the pandemic – he caught the virus! – and is responsible for thousands of deaths by naming the possible remedy after him? Why don’t we name a new set of steak knives after Jack the Ripper? Or maybe the good folks at Just for Men can invent a drip-free hair dye and call it The Giuliani? What about the Stevie Wonder twins? Or a Miley Cyrus chastity belt?
It’s almost as if Geraldo has no idea what Trump’s mark is after the past four years.
When I told my lords about the topic of today’s dispatch, one of my editors recounted an anecdote that made me laugh out loud: “When I took a cooking class the last year my teacher taught us to call the scum you brush with chicken broth “The Trump”. “
Do you read, Geraldo? Are you sure you want to be inoculated with scum?
That’s the biggest problem with this wacky proposal to pamper a sore loser who is now trying to destroy democracy because he can’t accept that the relationship is over. I can tell you right away, any serum called “The Trump” would turn me into an anti-vaxxer, mainly because I would be terrified of side effects, including narcissism and deception.
Don’t dare jab with The Trump! I can’t have an affair with Stormy Daniels!
Future vaccines will only make a difference if people get them. Do you really think citizens of nations that the future former president called “s-hole country” will be inclined to roll up their sleeves for The Trump? Please.
There’s a reason we don’t call the rabies vaccine “The Foaming Pit Bull”.
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If Geraldo is absolutely convinced that naming something after his deranged friend could appease a bruised ego and aid in the transition of power, then find something more appropriate. If scientists find a new organism that is 100% toxic to all other life forms, call it “DJT-2020”. If you buy a used car with a bunch of engine problems, call it “The Donald” instead of a “lemon”. Old-fashioned dictator jackets, outdated cottage cheese, faulty smoke detectors, three-legged chairs, broken records, fortune cookies with blank messages, basement flooding, tax checks, sink holes, broken zippers, stinky pillows, when you bang your toe, when you dabble with conspiracy theories, when you deny reality – all of this can and should be called “Trump.”
But naming a vaccine after an anti-science dingbat makes as much sense as naming a new 5G network after the Unabomber. We might as well offer free milkshakes to lactose intolerant people.
It’s great that Geraldo Rivera wants to be the intermediary in this breakup.
But his efforts are doomed to fail until his friend realizes it’s over.
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