Following the announcement of a $ 16bn hike to the UK’s defense budget earlier this week, haven’t you walked with more than one spring in your step, just head up a little higher?
Did you feel a little bit harder, harder, knowing that Britain is going to be restored to its rightful place as the leading naval power in Europe?
Haven’t you suddenly noticed someone looking a little foreign, a little dangerous, and growling at them as if to say: Come on, then. Come on, go ahead.
You do not have? What’s wrong? Our Prime Minister has said that the biggest increase in defense spending in a generation will strengthen our place in the world.
Like the rest of his party and many of the good patriots who voted for him, Boris Johnson still lives in the 1970s. The 1870s.
When the sun never set on the Empire and half the map of the world was pink and Britannia ruled the waves and the power of the sea was all.
Don’t listen to those idiots telling you that nowadays it was as likely that we had to repel a Martian invasion as we are a sea invasion.
Get with the program rum, sodomy and whip to the end.
Or maybe you’re one of those dangerous lefties who thinks there are better things to spend $ 16 billion on right now. You might be thinking, wait.
Just a few weeks ago, the Conservatives voted against providing free school meals to poor children because it would cost about $ 20 million a week and where would the money come from?
Of course, there is no money for this kind of waste.
The hungry British children aren’t about to launch an armada against our shores, are they?
No, but, uh, Iran could. Shut up, they might as well.
I mean, you think there was a pandemic that leveled the economy or something like that.
Or that we were on the verge of leaving the European Union without a trade deal and with potentially devastating financial consequences.
You’re probably even worried that thousands of small businesses are about to be of collapse. Now, you haven’t thought about that, have you?
Johnson a. His spending plans will create hundreds of thousands of new jobs. In the army.
Stop crying because your store that imports vintage Italian furniture is going to collapse under the weight of the new taxes.
(And the fact that your vintage furniture will spend a few months in a Kent truck fleet en route to you.)
So you were an indie-rock musician making a decent living touring Europe.
It’s over now.
You will be 65 years old before you fill out the necessary forms to travel through three different countries.
Wake up and smell the future.
You join the navy.
Ah it’s the good life. Let’s face it, young people today have grown too chewy, sitting munching avocado on toast and sipping their orange mocha Frappuccinos.
What they have to do is stand proudly on the deck of a gleaming new British £ 1 billion destroyer (ironically about the same price as a hospital) as it hangs over a canoe full of migrants in the canal.
It will make you a man.
So come. Get up at your window and face Westminster.
Raise your arm in a proud salute as you join me in an exhilarating Rule Britannia choir. Because the British will never, ever, ever be slaves.
We are perhaps the laughing stock of Europe.
We could have children who will never have a decent meal.
We may be spending years locked in our homes because many of us love the freedom too much to wear a mask.
But hey, never be slaves.
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