I thought we would be talking about military and money matters this week. What? I am not qualified? I pay taxes, don’t I? I had the money once. I bought a ukelele with it.
As for the military, I was in the Air Training Corps for two years (aged 14-16) and had high hopes of becoming an assistant storekeeper in the RAF until I was kicked out. of the recruitment process due to syphilis. I didn’t have one.
My military curiosity was first piqued by the head of the RAF who warned that Britain must now prepare for future wars in… another space!
This was followed suspiciously quickly by an announcement from the Prime Minister that £ 16bn of taxpayer money had been found in a magic tree and would be spent to create a space age army.
Among the dangers, Air Chief Marshal Sir Mike Wigston apologized for “painting a grim picture” but felt compelled to warn that the Russians and Chinese – never, no these adorable! – were rapidly militarizing the cosmos and that their evil anti-satellite weapons could point out to you.
Worse yet, you couldn’t get your money out of an ATM, there would be no gasoline at the pump and your satnav would get wobbly. All in all, said Sir Mike, there would be a “disastrous” effect on the lives of ordinary and decent British taxpayers here on planet Earth.
You say, “I don’t have that! If only we had a socialist government that would spend billions of public money to rectify the situation. But that’s the point: we do it!
Because, the next day, Boris Johnson announced the injection of 16 billion pounds sterling to create a “space order”, as in Dan Dare. Mr Johnson said: “The international situation is more perilous… than at any time since the Cold War and… true to our history… global influence… defending our people… way of life… blah-blah.”
Sources in Whitehall said the money would “show our allies that they can always count on the UK” to step up when it comes to toys for boys.
Later Defense Secretary Ben Wallace said he had no idea where the money would come from, but it was still a beautiful day and who cared?
This is all on top of Covid’s weird spending. Decent taxpayers were quite flabbergasted. Ordinary socialists like you and I look at these spending plans and scoff, “But how are they going to pay for all this?”
The year 2020 is like 1945 again, but with no rationing except for toilet rolls and pasta every now and then. Covid has created a socialist paradise, comprising public propaganda campaigns and limits on our freedoms. I dreamed for years that this day would come.
And now that it’s here, I’m taken aback. The whole point of being a socialist rests on the assumption that this can never happen. But here we have a Conservative government implementing it.
The wireless is full of educational programs on racism and sexism and, not like in the past, on their scale. Even the Royals are awake, with British princes waving in the slums of Beverly Hills.
I frequently get emails from the government begging me to take free money. It was after they threw a big wedge at me, as a freelance, at the start of Covid. When I asked them to take it back, they said they couldn’t and advised me to spend it on drinks. So, to support the revolution, I did it.
There is something wrong with all of this. The world has changed. Regardless of anything else, it shows that we could have had socialist governments from the start and ignored all this “where will the money come from?” garbage.
There is no money. It’s just a concept. A number. The whole point of socialism was that it was better to travel than to arrive. And, now that we’re here, I want to go back. I want it to be like it was before, when governments never had any money and we had respectable and decent wars here on planet Earth.
THIS column is a Postie champion. Truly, they are the trusted pillars of the community who do truly useful work, just like the nurses and journalists.
But how their fate has changed. They’re loaded with packages because everyone buys everything online.
Meanwhile, Royal Mail is still complaining about a drop in profits… to £ 17m! Get this distributed to posties.
As stated exclusively in this column before, a postman told me it was like Christmas everyday with all the packages.
If the Royal Mail doesn’t give them more money, at least let them pick one of the packages they can keep. That way it really will be Christmas everyday for the posties. Hooray!
Five things we learned this week
1 Israeli scientists have discovered that the aging process can be reversed with oxygen therapy in a pressurized chamber. The procedure lengthens telomeres which, as you know, are repeating nucleotide sequences. Too much, of course, and you turn into Benjamin Button.
2 Going through a long discussion online about sound dynamics and technical specifications for Cube guitar amplifiers, we lost the urge to live when someone interrupted with, “If I had one, I would call it Cubie. ” Brilliant.
3 The fashion for vitamin D continues. It not only stops Covid but could reduce the risk of advanced cancer by up to 17%, according to a new study. Next Week: How Vitamin D Causes Covid and Gives You Cancer.
4 Scottish egg sales have skyrocketed in Bristol, Plymouth and Bournemouth, according to Deliveroo. Subsequent increases in gas levels led scientists to predict the danger to the ozone layer from these areas. Greta Thunberg said: “Scottish eggs! How dare you! You stole my dreams.
More bad news for this environment after German scientists warned that half of the world’s population would be overweight by 2050. Meat-based and processed foods have been accused of “pushing the boundaries of our planet”. Pushing the limits of our pants belts too.
Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the point of view of the Herald.
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