Tomorrow Boris Johnson is due to reveal his lockout exit schedule.
This should be fascinating because all of his predictions so far have proven to be so accurate.
He should publish the calendar he made this time last year, to remind us.
For example, he did not attend any of the COBRA meetings on the virus, so he must be gone: February: five meetings are scheduled, I intend to go beyond the call of duty and ignore them all.
Some people suggest I could go to the last one, but I’ll be exhausted from ignoring the first four, and I don’t want to burn out.
Anyway, I’ve heard that this thing will go away in April because the virus is afraid of Easter eggs.
As other countries worried about the coronavirus, he started the month with a speech on Brexit and free trade that would make us supercharged champions.
So his schedule for that day probably says: The rest of the world is shutting down, I guess it’s because most of them are Spanish and they use any excuse for a day off. leave.
While we were British we couldn’t catch a virus because we won two world wars and a world cup.
His schedule was also to go to a hospital with coronavirus patients, ignore the scientists and say: I shook hands with everyone and will continue to shake hands.
Maybe his entry for that day was: I’m sure viruses can’t be caught by other people who have the virus. So I am planning a massive program to beat this disease, in which we get the whole population to spend a day fighting in the bare mud with infected people. That should fix the problem.
Then came his prediction of a world famous testing and tracing app by the start of May, and how safe it would be for everyone to go to the pubs, and how he was saving Christmas.
So maybe we can’t trust his next schedule either, the same way you might not take a horse racing tip from a man who lived in a puddle of his own pee behind. a recycling bin outside Sainsburys.
He should take this opportunity to brighten up the nation with his imagination.
He could announce the schedule as follows: March 5: Scare off all viruses by having Jacob Rees-Mogg teach everyone Latin names for them. If someone is wrong, they hit you on the buttocks with a cactus.
March 11: Enroll every child at age 70 so that schools can open safely because there will be no children.
Also, since everyone over 70 has now been vaccinated, they will all be immune.
March 18: Promote a new program, called Eton Out to Help Out, in which all my school mates are given billion pound contracts to provide material they have no capacity to provide, to hand over Great Britain on foot.
March 29: Quit the virus, with an offer ready for the oven.
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