[Editor’s note: It all comes down to this. What final weekend scheduling strategy will win the Bottom 10 title? Head-to-head matchups between ranked teams or blowout losses to good teams? One thing we know for sure: Michigan State left no doubt about the Coveted Fifth Spot.]
Inspirational Thought of the Week:
Someone help me, it’s faster than ever
A second chance is another way to remember
I’m going down, down, down, down
I’m going down, down, down
And it all comes down to you
And it all comes down to this
— “This is what it all comes down to”, Aquilo
Here at the Bottom 10 Headquarters, behind the savings and loan center where universities keep their pockets of money labeled “Only for coach buyouts, academic types DO NOT TOUCH,” we don’t plan on wasting much time this week on it. sifting through turkey bones. That’s because we’re too busy sifting through the bones and numbers that make up the teams and games that will define the final 2021 Bottom 10 rankings, which will be revealed in a week. Not literally now, as at this exact moment, because we’re not 100% sure when you read this, but the final Bottom 10 standings will drop next Wednesday.
In fact, the more we think about it, we’ve got a pretty good idea of when and where you’re reading this. I bet it’s Thanksgiving Day and you’re hiding from your family. That means you’re most likely in the bathroom right now, sneaking through your phone behind the only lockable door in the house, to avoid having to listen to your loved ones arguing about politics, who’s going to be organizing Christmas in a month and why the Egg Bowl is called the Egg Bowl.
Well, my friend, I so want you to stay where you are. Unfortunately, Uncle Ray has to come in here because Cousin Marlene has used too much oil on the kale again. Then again, he’s also a Florida fan, so maybe that’s why his tummy is so upset.
With apologies to Dan Mullen, William Bradford and Steve Harvey, here’s the 2021 ranking after Week 12 Bottom 10.
1. UMess (1-10)
Since defeating UConn on October 9, the Minutemen have dropped five games in a row with a combined score of 224-69, including two losses to FCS schools, and sacked their coach in the middle. Now they travel to regional rival New Mexico State in Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year: Endgame.
2. Show Mexico State (1-10)
But wait, weren’t the Other Aggies at the top a week ago? So how did they come to this slot after losing a game with a score of 56-16? Well, first, that game was in Kentucky, New Mexico’s second consecutive SEC visit to the 2021 NMSU Getting Paid World Tour. Second, they led both games, albeit for a combined five minutes, but still . Third, they didn’t fire their coach. Yet. And fourth, according to ESPN’s mesmerizingly horoscopically accurate FPI, the Aggies have a 72.8% chance of winning on Saturday. There is also a 99.9% chance that horoscopic is not a real word.
3. You-Can’t (1-10)
While the State of New Mexico and UMass have booked their first meeting for the final weekend of the season in what we believe to be a clear case of clever mutual planning in pursuit of a Bottom 10 title, UConn has taken an entirely different path. The Huskies will host 24th-ranked Houston, hoping to lose by such a huge margin that it could push them past NMSU and the Minutemen as the season crosses the finish line.
4. FI(not A)U (1-10)
Meanwhile, the Panthers were also clearly planned with a late Bottom 10 run in mind, arranging a season-ending trip to Southern Missed. But the Foldin’ Eagles may have, ah, picked up on Butch Davis’ career-ending strategy, taking an upset Week 12 win over Lose-iana Tech and knocking themselves out of the bottom 10 rankings. That could change the FIU’s SOS just enough to keep it from falling to the top bottom spot. And just to clarify, here at Bottom 10 Stats & Info, SOS doesn’t stand for “strength of schedule.” It’s a literal SOS.
5. Wishing again, state (9-2)
Ohio State QB CJ Stroud throws a five-yard touchdown pass to Jaxon Smith-Njigba, giving Stroud his sixth TD of the first half.
We’ve already discussed the swampy situation in Florida, and a week ago we already had the Gators in the coveted fifth place, as they shared with Texas. This week, Michigan State isn’t sharing it with anyone. They earned every square inch of this space all by themselves, unlike what happened in Columbus, where they earned zero inches of every space except their seats on the plane home. I’m surprised Gary Barta, chairman of the College Football Playoff selection committee, didn’t kick off this week’s press conference with a Michigan Wolverines hoodie screaming, “See?! We told you all!!!”
6. Akronmonic (2-9)
Akron lost to arch-rival State of Kent with a score of 38-0. The Golden Flashes took the traditional Wagon Wheel trophy and used it to roll over the Zips. That’s nothing. This weekend Toledo Rockets has focused on the Zips.
7. Indiana? Who, gentlemen? (2-9)
Indiana went into the 2021 season with a big-armed veteran quarterback, a ton of returning starters, and was picked to finish third in its division with likely eight wins and a nice bid for the holiday bowl. Now the Hoosiers are 2-9, 0-8 in the Big Ten, on a seven-game losing streak and 15-point underdogs at Purdue, a team with a big-armed veteran quarterback, a bunch of returning starters and in position to finish third in their division with eight wins and a nice bid for the holiday bowl. It will be like that movie “Freaky Friday”, only it will be titled “Supernatural Saturday”.
8. US (not C) F (2-9)
The annual war on I-4 resumes when US (not C) F travels up that highway to meet UC (not S) F on Thanksgiving night. But again, this is assuming they don’t get stuck on I-4 and end up just south of Orlando, surrounded by orange barrels and broken down minivans until the following Thanksgiving.
9. By the time I get to Arizona (1-10)
The Mildcats are one of five teams with 10 losses from the country, but they have stayed away from the top of the bottom of this ranking because they had that only win in the last four games and their three losses all by eight points or less. . They then lost to Washington State 44-18, and then they lost to defensive coordinator Don Brown, who has made the head coach appearance at UMass for the second time. Props to coaching Brown. It was certainly no small challenge to find a way to relegate from his current team. But he did!
10. Vanderbilt Commode Doors (2-9)
Fun fact: My family spends Thanksgiving in the mountains of North Carolina, and most years we visit the Biltmore Estate, America’s largest private residence, built in 1895 by the Vanderbilt family. There’s a portrait of Commodore Vanderbilt that hangs over the doorway of one of the dining rooms, and when I’m there it flashes like lightning, emitting a terrifying laugh and a malicious warning that I better get running or it will destroy my soul. to calm down. For years I thought it was trick painting like in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. Turns out I was the only one to ever hear or see all the scary stuff, and looking back I realize it only happens as Vandy in the Bottom 10 goes into the final weekend of the season. So this year I’m going to Biltmore with a Ouija board, a garlic collar, and a helmet I stole from one of the medieval armor in the foyer.
Waiting list: Southern missed, Tulame, unLv, Kansas Nayhawks, Minute Rice, Temple Darmen, Whew Mexico, Arkansaw State, COVID-19.
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