College football Bottom 10 after Week 9 – Give us freedom!

Inspiring thought of the week:

“There's no point in talking about it,” said Alice, looking at the house and pretending to be arguing with her. 'I'm not going in yet. I know I would have to go through the looking-glass again – – back to the old room – and all my adventures would end!'

“So she resolutely turned her back on the house and resumed the path, determined to keep going straight until she reached the hill.”

– From 'Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There' by Lewis Carroll

Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in the gigantic water tower used to store all our tears during the Lee Corso reunion with his former Indiana players during last week's “College GameDay,” we've spent the years spent a lot of time educating ourselves on how to travel through multiverses, multiplanes of reality, and multiple mental multiplexes of what is possible.

In other words, we've accidentally, on purpose, walked face first into many mirrors, windows, sliding glass doors, and wardrobe doors. To test out that can of “Collin Klein for Heisman” Band-Aids we found in an old desk drawer? Certainly. That's part of it. But the real quest is to try to discover new paths that can take us from the perpetual pain of the Bottom 10's cinematic universe to happier, more successful, dot-com title-lined streets of college football euphoria.

Just when we think our efforts are eternally fruitless, a midweek moment of multiverse madness shatters the boundaries of faith and reveals a trail that takes us from 0-and-something to the boundless joy of 1-and-something, especially when some 0-and-something and-something team that is a 27-point underdog and has never won an FBS game knocks off a something-and-0 team and sends it to, ahem, Flames.

HELL YES#GoldStandard | #SeeUs pic.twitter.com/vI36pgr7o8

Kennesaw State Football (@kennesawstfb) October 24, 2024

With apologies to Kennesaw State alum Ty Pennington, former MLB commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis and Steve Harvey, here are the Bottom 10 rankings after Week 9.

The Golden(-plated) Flashes, dubbed America's last winless FBS team, lost their 17th straight game, surrendering 358 yards rushing for Western Michigan. The last time a bunch of Broncos students gained this much ground was when Tim Allen and Terry Crews piled into Bruce Campbell's Oldsmobile and took a road trip to the music of fellow WMU alumnus Luther Vandross.

The Sun Belt Old Money Golden Eagles lost to Sun Belt New Money James Madison as they continue their march toward what will be an all-time pillow fight of the week of the century on November 30 against… Well… we let you are waiting for that information. Like Brett Favre makes Mississippi wait for him to pay back the old, new and emergency money.

The Chowboys lost the Week 9 pillow fight to… yeah, we're going to make you wait for that too. Like my neighbor makes kids wait for Halloween candy because his hearing aids aren't working and it takes forever for him to hear the bell and finally start moving. Kind of like Wyoming's offense.

On Friday I flew over UAB Stadium on my way to Tuscaloosa. On Saturday I drove past that same stadium, even faster because I was trying to get Marty Smith back to Charlotte in time to host the concert for Carolina. We saw a long trail of smoke and were afraid the Protective Stadium might be on fire, but we realized it was only coming from Trent Dilfer's ears.

How committed are we to ensuring that the #Under10 is as accurate as possible? We flew reconnaissance flights over UAB. pic.twitter.com/LQfc7GriUp

Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) October 29, 2024

It was George Orwell who said, “If freedom means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they don't want to hear.” Well, Liberty, I know you're all playing Wednesday night, so I know you don't want to hear this, but if you throw a shot at the Coveted CFP Spot at a winless team, it's the Coveted Fifth Spot.

After doing in Week 8 what Liberty couldn't, the Blew Raiders couldn't avoid the emotional disappointment after Kennesaw, losing to last year's version of Kennesaw: Jacksonville State. This weekend I'm at the Georgia-Florida game in Jacksonville, as I do every year, and I always wonder if some overserved Dawgs and/or Gators fans might one day get lax with the GPS and end up in Jacksonville, Alabama, in location of Jacksonville, Florida.

The Minors are back in these rankings having lost a waiting list pillow fight to Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-Tech, but this week they will host the real pillow fight of the week as they welcome their classic and timeless old natural and regional rival, Middle Tennessee State.

Speaking of pillow fights, we promised we'd let you know who defeated Wyoming in the latest edition of the PFOW. Here they are. The Other Other Aggies, who kicked a 40-yard field goal as time expired in Laramie. Now I wish the Concert for Carolina would happen this weekend because I would have told Marty Smith to tell Eric Church that “As Time Expired in Laramie” definitely sounds like a top 40 country hit.

The OG Owls are the last ones standing in these rankings because Temple, Kennesaw and FA(not I)U had the false nerve to win football games. The OGs are here because they've been grounded by a former Bottom 10 member, the Artists Formerly Known as UCan't. But let's not give Connecticut too many props. If the Huskies had real guts, they would schedule a last-minute matchup with Kennesaw to try to complete the four-team Hooter Hoedown.

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UConn Football (@UConnFootball) October 26, 2024

After rendering the once-mighty rivalry in Miami completely irrelevant, the Nos are now welcome to UNC, aka the historic geographic center of the ACC, for the latest round of their Hey, Remember Like 10 Minutes Ago When We Kept Hollering That We Were Too Good'. For all of you?” world tour.

Waiting list: Troy Bolton State (aka the team that defeated Southern Missed), Pur-don't, Kennesaw Mountain Landis State, UMess, FI(notA)U, FA(not I)U, Temple of Doom, Fa-la-la -la -la La-la-la-Tech, Akronmonious, election ad mailers.