The first time I bought a car I experienced a dark night of the soul to such an unreasonable and sweaty level that I called the dealer the next morning and asked if they would take the car back.
Me: Hi, I wonder if you will take back the car I bought yesterday.
Lady at the dealer:
Me: I think I made a mistake with the car loan is the thing. It just feels like a lot of money and I’m not making a lot of money.
Lady at the dealer:
Me: I’m sure you understand.
Lady at the dealer: No.
I now insist on this reminder because the company where I ordered the cricket powder does not allow me to cancel. So, in much the same way that I’ve kept the Grand Am, I can expect the occasional arrival of a bag of cricket powder and then I’ll have a bag of cricket powder.
I blame the crickets.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll read all you can get your hands on about Brood X, the atypically large batch of 17-year-old crickets that will emerge from a patch of land between Indiana and Delaware from May.
In general, I find insects massively troubling, but I can’t look away either. That’s why I think I should head to southeastern Colorado every September to check out the hordes of male brown tarantulas (no bugs, I know) looking for girlfriends, and why I always want to hear from my Aunt Rita, who is a truck driver is, describe the swarms of crickets in Nevada overrun on the highway.
It’s terrible. But also great. As for the crickets, my internal conversation was lately, Eew. But also, wow.
That one entomologist said they were talking about hundreds of BILLIONS of crickets. So holy cow. But also, eew. But I would probably have to travel to Indiana to check it out. But what if someone jumps on me? They are so big. Eew.
While revamping my Google News search for Bread X, I was shown a Newsweek story with the headline What to Know About Eating Crickets Like Trillions of Bugs Emerging in the US
Now you would think the thing to know about eating crickets is: don’t. They are bugs. Take them back outside and then wash your hands with soap.
But I’ve done enough research on insects for human consumption to know that they really can and should be an essential source of protein. Heck, I’ve delivered incredibly smug and hypocritical monologues in that regard.
However, do you see me regularly eating insects? Not you, because a cultural taboo is difficult to overcome. Here in America, insects are things that accidentally fly into my mouth when I’m cycling, and I cough and spit hard enough to loosen my tongue and the rest of the day I can feel things crawling in my neck. This is how insects usually end up in our mouths here.
However, I ate insects and clearly did not die. It happened occasionally when I lived in China, and because I wanted to be grateful and respectful, with a calmness of lotus blossom, I tried to greet the beetle on a stick with a serene, Xie xie! Hao chi! (Thanks! Delicious!)
Meanwhile, in my head: AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE! AHOOOOOGA! AHOOOOOGA! BREAKING DOWN! BREAKING DOWN! THAT’S AN BUG !!!
But it went through the hatch. If I could have been rational and objective for even one second, I would have realized it was just a well-seasoned, crunchy thing, unlike thick-cut potato chips, assuming the potatoes had an exoskeleton and guts, and were a nuisance at times. came into my house.
Sooooo yes IS THAT EXOSKELETON STUCK IN MY MOLARS ???? But shrimp have exoskeletons, and I love that, even if I peel them first. Should I peel the next insect I eat? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH !!!
It’s just, if you don’t, it’s hard to run to that degree, especially with something as profound and personal as nutrition. So I promise not to condemn the consumption of insects or the cultures in which it is common, I’m just saying that’s not in mine.
But I think it should be, and I think I should at least try it, but I’ll tell you now that I’m NOT prone to chewing snack crickets. Hence the cricket powder. And there is no going back, because they will not let me cancel.
Oh boy, but. Ohboyohboyohboy, am I actually going to put bugs in my cookies ??? You probably shouldn’t accept baked goods that I offer you for some time to come.
Rachel Sauer is at [email protected] and will be hiding from the cricket powder for some time to come.