A typical day in California, as right-wing Republicans imagine it

“Nearly half of Republicans believe California is not truly American.” -Los Angeles Times

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After being woken up by another earthquake, I took a deep breath and braced myself. Ah…the sweet smell of smog. I wake up, grab a pot of fair trade coffee, and inject my arm with the mandatory daily vaccine.

Today is my birthday, and I'm going out with friends to celebrate, but I have some things to do beforehand. First, I need to write my monthly mortgage check: $800,000. But that's not a big deal, because I'm saving a lot of money by not owning a car thanks to it being banned by our leader in chief, Gavin Newsom.

I put on my face mask and head outside. I see Dave, one of the 15 homeless people who live in my front yard. He showed me samples of carpet for the five-bedroom mansion that our state legislature had voted to build for him for free. Dave proudly admitted to me that this was his plan all along and that having a free home made being treated like a subhuman all his time worth it. I hear him laughing maniacally as I sprint down the driveway on my electric bike.

I keep walking, pausing to engage in a moment of mindfulness. I'm grateful to have this free time in the middle of the week because I don't have a job. Only illegal immigrants are allowed to get jobs. My status as a white American with a Social Security number left me completely unemployed. I am forced to support myself with the proceeds from my self-published book, Magic for Vegetarians.

I made a stop at CVS to buy a replacement charger for my electric carts. The line is very long, and I have an anti-heterosexual rally to get to. No thanks necessary. I can just walk out without paying. There are no penalties for theft at all; You can get anything anytime you want.

As I leave CVS with the free charger, I angrily confront a stranger without a mask about my choice of shopping bag. His naked face and aggression frighten me, and I fear he has one of those things I've always heard about called a gun. I think I saw a gun once, but I'm not sure if it was real or if I was hallucinating after smoking too much legal weed. Rumor has it that no one in the entire state of California has seen a real gun since we voluntarily threw them all into a giant U-Haul and gave them to Obama.

I dropped my mask and mustered up the courage to explain to the stranger that my shopping bag only looked plastic. I proudly show him my sustainably sourced bag made from recycled puka shell pendants. It has the same feel, look and function as real plastic. We laugh happily at the confusion, and soon find ourselves in deep conversation. It turns out we share a mutual enthusiasm for higher taxes.

It's now 5pm, and the sweet smell of urine and feces fills the air. Ah, San Francisco! I feel the delicious crunch, crunch, crunch under my feet… Hypodermic needles cover the ground like leaves in fall. San Francisco is definitely a dream city. I walked into Starbucks to get coffee, and the waiter asked me if I wanted a free batch of cocaine with my order. A customer behind me is snacking on magic mushrooms.

As the sun begins to set, I join my friends on the beach, and they treat me to a gluten-free birthday cake in the shape of Nancy Pelosi's face. When I blow out my solar-powered flameless soy candles, I wish for the same thing I've been dreaming of for the past five years: the complete annexation of Austin, Texas.

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