Seagulls are terrorizing Britain and no one dares stop them.

My apologies, dear reader, to those who have rightly concluded that the country is going to the dogs in this most foolish season of foolishness. It's time for a new metaphor for decline. Britain is a place for birds. And I'm not even referring to Swiftmania. If only friendship bracelets and a loud chorus of Shake It Off could really cure our ills. Somehow, amidst all the other crises that plague us, seagull psychopaths keep us in their claws.

I know purists will be picky about pointing out that, for taxonomic reasons, there is technically no such thing as a seagull. But these days, there are no seagulls due to topographical issues. why? Because in 2024, office blocks will become the new cliffs and high street pavements will become the new feeders of XL canyons. Why would landlocked Worcester live in fear of a bird bombardment?

Although it was a visible and gradual intrusion, it was no less threatening. First, they raided our fish and chips. Then there was the kids' ice cream and everything in empty bags. Finally, not the ultimate humiliation. We don't pity Gizmo, the Chihuahua who was kidnapped from his Devon garden in 2019 and never seen again. It is the country's post offices that are under threat these days.

Post office workers in the village of Liskeard, Cornwall, risked their lives when a territorial gull dive-bombed them while on patrol. Royal Mail sent a written apology to the good citizens of Liskeard which may or may not have arrived (see above). How else to react to this unprecedented story other than a wry smile and a sweet apology?

This is not unprecedented. Five years ago, the Royal Mail warned Cardiff residents that their posts could be disrupted by seagulls. That's no joke, considering that a 1-kilogram Herring Gull has a razor-sharp 2-inch beak, a 1.4-metre wingspan, and travels at over 30 miles per hour. But have postal bosses bothered to devise strategies to protect their workers and the mail? I want to know.

Seagulls pose a real danger to humans. In 2022, an Edinburgh resident who complained to the council about mothers pushing prams being bombed, pets being attacked and windshields being smashed has been told to hire a falcon. This is probably to prevent the totalitarian SNP from stepping in and tasting their own style of governance from gigantic heights, despite the fact that public money has been spent to deter pigeons from council buildings.

It's true that pigeons cause havoc, but it's nothing compared to their reign of terror in the city's guano areas. Last month, Brighton earned the unpleasant nickname of Britain's seagull attack hotspot. Almost one in three attacks resulted in injuries to people's heads. Blackpool came in second, followed by Scarborough.

Like all wild birds, gulls are protected under the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981. It's a real shame that seagulls are too busy stealing our battered cod to read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. There were general permits in place to cull gulls and some other birds, but Natural England cracked down on them in 2019 after a group backed by TV presenter Chris Packham called for a review.

It is surprising that Tory politicians, whose geese are already healthy and well and truly cooked, have not included improved bird attack defenses in their spending pledges. Obviously, unless it's a postal vote, it might have a real impact come elections in Liskeard and elsewhere.

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