Returned from Denmark to England

Helen Russell spent more than ten years in Denmark before returning home with her three children. She was pleasantly surprised.

It was my family's first Christmas back in the UK after living in rural Jutland, Denmark for about 12 years and the adjustment was an experience. I have never felt more like an outsider in my life, a stranger in my native country where everything is new and familiar at the same time. From foggy mornings in the English countryside to heavy backpacks that can weigh twice as much as a gym, life in Oxfordshire feels a world away from the candle-lit, hygge-filled winters we left behind.

At the age of 33, I moved to Denmark with my British husband as a carefree, childless woman, conducted a year-long experiment, and wrote A Year of Living the Danish Way. Three children and 10 years later, I'm still there, studying how Nordic children grow up happier, healthier, and more independent, while writing another book, How to Raise a Viking.

Then, driven by the dual demands of work and family (work, aging parents, and the classic club sandwich generation), I returned home. Years of cleaner air and shorter working hours OECD data shows Danes work an average of 33 hours a week and public services are functioning well. I wondered how marriage would adjust. Swapping smrrebrd for sandwiches and Danish fllesskab (community) for country village life, I worried about navigating my childhood and upbringing on this side of the North Sea. This Christmas I think about what we have left behind, what we have gained and how different life is for both parents and children here in the UK. First up: Great Evening Hijack.

Homework (for all of us)

This time of year in Denmark, me and the kids might be doing some Christmas crafts or baking after school (bad, but still). In the UK, my 10-year-old son and 7-year-old twins have dropped out of school and are struggling with spelling, multiplication tables, fractions and grammar. I'm part of the lost generation that didn't learn grammar in school in the 80's and 90's. This is thanks to curriculum experiments that focus on creative writing rather than dangling participles. So now I find myself squinting while doing my elementary school homework at the same expressions I use on my tax returns.

In Denmark there is no homework until you are 11 years old. Research shows that elementary school students gain little academic benefit from homework. Despite this, the British education system regards homework as a badge of honour.

School uniforms and social inequality

British schools' obsession with school uniforms baffles their international peers, as in most parts of the world children wear whatever they like. Here, putting on my Airtex and school jumper shaved 20 minutes off my morning routine, and for that I am eternally grateful. But monolithic cultures emphasize unfamiliar forms.

In Denmark, teachers are called by their first names, reflecting the widespread egalitarianism in society. My kids will think nothing of calling an adult or telling them when something isn't fair (which takes a lot at 7 years old). According to an OECD study, Denmark is one of the most equal countries in the world. Britain, on the other hand, is a much more hierarchical beast.

Here I found myself awkwardly calling teachers in their 20s Miss or Mr and feeling a creeping respect for people with status or money. So one day a kid told my daughter that his dad has a Porsche. Her response: So? Living as a Dane means that everyone deserves respect no matter what. We do not bow down to authority figures just because they have power and are not subordinated to anyone's title. Or a car. Or your bank balance. I don't expect my children to bow down to anyone. I expect my children to respect everyone. Living in Denmark opened my eyes to the possibilities of a different life. And once you've seen it, it's hard to go back.

Screens and social norms

Screen time is a hot topic everywhere, but Denmark has a digital blind spot. Social codexes that give freedom to children have been around for a long time, but today's Danish youth are being allowed to do the same online. The majority of UK children own a smartphone by the age of 11. But in Denmark there are 9.

I was the odd one out among my Danish friends who was against smartphones for my 10-year-old. In England I am normal. I'm impressed by initiatives like the Smartphone-ujFree Childhood campaign and the media landscape that reminds me of IRL engagement. At the same time, there is an odd allowance for certain games and apps, such as Fortnite or Roblox, that have been flagged as dangerous by the NSPCC and other organizations.

My Danish parents' friends wouldn't go anywhere near these places and I'd heard many horror stories. But British families seem less embarrassed. My natural tendencies tend to be downright Luddite, but I'm trying to balance analog parenting with an appreciation for living in a digital world.

learning curve

Early education in Denmark is about developing social skills and being generally present. When my kids were little I thought this was a dream, installing more playgrounds and fewer flash cards. In Denmark, children do not start school until they are six years old. Researchers at Stanford University found that delaying kindergarten by one year reduced attention problems and hyperactivity by 73%. Once they start school, they don't learn much to read until they're eight and they don't take tests until their teens, so they're still pretty comfortable.

In the UK we were suddenly in the land of real learning. We were lucky to have great teachers at our children's village school who helped them adapt. In Denmark, it wasn't cursive, so I got extra help with things like reading and handwriting. I was skeptical about this, but my teachers explained that it wasn't some secret plot to take us back to the Victorian era, but that cursive was faster. I watch my children struggle to implement their ideas with their brains working faster than block letters can keep up, and this is what I come back to. Sure, we all type more than we write these days, but if you're having a smartphone-free childhood, you can't help but think that you should give pen and ink a chance, too.

My mini vikings were very tired for the first half of the day. But now they return home each day blooming with new discoveries and knowledge. Okay, there were a few painful days when my son's Shang Dynasty project threatened to end us (all). But I know that the skills he studies and learns to apply himself will be of great help to him. I wondered if the ability to learn and research was a muscle that could only be built by actually using it. And it may be a good idea to start using them a little earlier than age 10.

Fresh air and dangerous play

The Danish ethos of friluftsliv, or free air life, encourages children to embrace nature come sleet, snow or hail. I feared that my children would have less access to the outdoors in England, but to my delight, the English countryside has proven to be just as liberating. We walk to school, my kids are outside for hours a day, and it resonates around me thanks to the school's Daily Mile program, where the kids run a mile a day outdoors. PE was once a week at my school in Denmark. In British schools, it happens twice a week.

Helen Russell had three children while living in Denmark, but they all returned to England in September. (Photo: Provided)

I worried that my children would be limited in their enthusiastic attempts at the risky play that Nordic people excel at, which researchers have linked to greater resilience, improved social skills and reduced anxiety. But my daughter is climbing taller trees than ever before, and no one has stopped her yet. The problem here is not access to nature or weather, but a question of clothing.

There is a saying in Northern Europe that there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes. But British children seem to think gloves are pubic hair and hats an affront to their dignity (but shorts in December seem perfectly acceptable). My oldest child has already let me know that he won't look dead in a raincoat or snowsuit. The battle continues.

Childcare Costs: A Tale of Two Countries

Where does the UK system still fall short? Childcare. At the school gate, we meet parents, mainly mothers who quit their jobs immediately after their child was born due to childcare costs. They are now struggling to get back into the job market, switching or working part-time. Stories of diminished ambitions, family frustrations and anger are common. A recent report from UN Women UK found that one in four mothers have to quit their jobs to care for their children.

In Denmark, all children attend childcare from about 10 months, 75% are subsidized by the state through taxes, and 80% of mothers work. Danish working hours are 8am to 4pm to accommodate daycare, and both parents typically leave work at a reasonable hour for a home-cooked family dinner each day.

This is not pure altruism. The OECD, the European Union and the World Economic Forum all encourage member countries to guarantee paid parental leave and subsidized child care for workers. This is because it has been clearly proven that sharing parental leave helps economic growth. Research shows that every dollar invested in early childhood education returns at least $1.50 in the broader economy. Childcare costs pay for itself.

In the UK, after-school care for school-aged children is still patchy, but where we are, there are around 300 children available per month. Danish after school programs (skolefritidsordning) cost 88-275 per month (depending on location) and are provided as standard.

community connection

Leaving Denmark was heartbreaking. It is the country where my children were born, where I set foot as a parent, and where they experienced a childhood filled with the simplicity, freedom and community mentality that the Danes are so proud of. I was worried that there would be nothing like this in the UK, but I was pleasantly surprised by the warm welcome we received.

In Denmark, relationships are built slowly, like boiling mrbradgryde (a classic pork stew). One of my more reserved Danish neighbors has only said four words to me in eight years, and two of those words have now become goodbye. But here, within a few days of our arrival, neighbors showed up with bread, bike rentals and invitations for coffee. There's a sense of community I'm not sure I'll find and a level of trust and hospitality I didn't expect, but I'm deeply grateful for.

Now I have decided to mix the best of both worlds. Being Danish in the UK means letting my children play, take risks and make mistakes. I like to keep life simple. I want to enjoy less stuff and more moments. Like a sacred family dinner in Denmark and something I will fiercely protect whenever possible in England.

As we celebrate Christmas in the UK for the first time in a decade, we miss the Danish traditions and minimalist magic of the Nordic winter. But I enjoy going on muddy walks and ravaging the English countryside, even with slightly cooler fingers and a growing appreciation for lemon drizzle cake.

Helen Russell is the author of How to Raise a Viking: Secrets to Raising the World's Happiest Children (UK) and Denmark's Secrets to Happy Children (US and Canada). Her TED talk is What Happiness Looks Like in the World.

@MsHelenRussell

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