Boris fails to convince with disinfected approach to coronavirus | John Crace | Politics

Aand breathe. But not too deeply. And certainly not everywhere else. After more than six weeks of mooching around # 10 in the hope that the pangolins would attack the coronavirus alone, Boris Johnson finally broke his sabbatical to allay widespread concerns about a global pandemic with an emergency press conference. Do not panic! Do not panic!

There were no face masks or respiratory equipment hidden in the corner of the state room. Just a hand sanitizer at the front door when entering. It was Downing Street in its entirety Keep calm and keep going. As Boris entered the room, flanked by the chief medical officer, Chris Whitty, and the chief scientific advisor, Patrick Vallance, his trademark smile was replaced by the serious face. It wasn't entirely convincing that it never was, but it was the best he could do. When trying to find the right words to tell several hundred thousand people that they might die, it's probably best not to sound too heartbreaking. Do not panic! Do not panic!

Boris began by describing the government's four-part strategy. Contain, delay, seek and mitigate. He forgot to mention the fifth part of doing nothing, which had been the plan until the previous weekend. Everything was probably going to be more or less good for most people, he continued, even if for some it would probably not be the case. It was just one of those things. But try not to worry because the NHS, which was already in high demand and underfunded, was particularly well placed to cope with an additional 2 million patients. Do not panic! Do not panic!

The best thing you can do, said Boris, is to wash your hands with soap and warm water while singing Happy Birthday twice. Especially as an aspiration that you survive until your next. Yet, at least here, he was on relatively solid ground. Because if there is one thing, Boris knows he is washing his hands. Over the years, he has washed his hands of almost everything: family, children, friends, colleagues, morals, scruples. Ponce Boris.

After listening in silence as the Prime Minister tried to minimize the situation, Whitty and Vallance had to deliver a cold dose of reality. No one could say for sure how bad things were. But it would still take at least six months before we got out of the woods, and in the worst case, 80% of the country could catch the virus with a mortality rate of around 1%. Young people would probably be fine. The old one, not so much. Take out your dead! It would also be useful if the United Kingdom could work closely with neighboring countries. If only there were a Union of European countries of which we could be a part …

It quickly became clear that the government's emergency plan was actually remarkably thin. Something that had been hastily tinkered with for a few days and didn't really stand up to scrutiny. There was nothing about the role the military might have to play, how health and social service workers could be protected, what hospital procedures should be delayed and what financial arrangements would be made for workers. of the economics of concerts which were not covered by labor law. . Everything was just a little hit and hopeful. Do not panic! Do not panic!

The longer the press conference, the more uneasy the Prime Minister was. Boris is essentially a good guy with a penchant for glib one-liner. He hates being the bearer of bad news. He hates even more the idea that people could hold him responsible for decisions that could cost lives. He just wants to keep things light and airy. One of the things he liked most about Brexit was that at least no one was likely to die from it. Or not if someone notices. Now everything was getting a little too real.

Boris tried to comfort people a little. The good news was that if the coronavirus was really spreading everywhere, there would be no need for segregation units or to prevent travel abroad. Although it is an idea to only visit countries where health care is better than ours. Again, the new bright blue passport guaranteed immunity against Covid-19 and all other foreign diseases, so that all was not entirely lost.

We should all just take care of our normal daily life, he said hopefully. Before telling the whole nation, he had spent the last few days shaking hands with the greatest number of people who contracted the coronavirus. Whitty and Vallance straightened. They had finally found Patient Zero. The Prime Minister was the British super spreader. The man who had broken all the rules he was telling everyone to observe.

As the couple walked away from the podium, they discreetly informed Boris that a self-isolation spell could do him good at home. Plus, it wasn't like someone knew the difference. After all, he was the first registered person to have started paternity leave four months before the birth of his child.

An hour later, Matt Hancock delivered roughly the same message in a statement to the Commons. Oddly, however, he seemed rather more convincing when he said that he did not know what he was doing than the Prime Minister. When a 12 year old Tigger is the one with gravity, then it's really time to panic. Do not panic! Do not panic!