Ruby Wax has “spent her life” battling depression.
The 70-year-old star has described mental illness as the “black hole of disease” and has often tried to give the impression that “everything is fine” but struggled with her demons even when her career was going well.
She told The Observer: “It’s the black hole of disease, where you sit helpless as your mind pounds you with accusations. Your thoughts attack you like little demons biting off pieces of your brain. It’s hard to stay alive and listen in. I’ve spent a lifetime creating a facade to give the illusion that all is well.
“I’ll never know. What was the time? This time [in the monastery] could have been the most enjoyable experience. Maybe it was because I quit taking psilocybin drugs. [a potential cure for depression. But it can happen when your career is going really well there is no predictor. Depression is a disease that decides to rear its head like herpes.
The award-winning actress – who was awarded an OBE for her services to mental health – visited a church in the Christian brotherhood, the Community of the Resurrection in Mirfield when depression hit and had to lie to the priest because she couldn’t face anything and explained she used to try to fight her mental health issues by ploughing through work instead.
I just wanted to go to bed, so I lied to him.
“I lied to a priest. I think he probably knew I didnt have a Zoom call, but he still looked at me with non-judgmental love. I used to be able to see it [depression] come and remove everything. I know how to undo, undo, undo. I would go to my room, a safe place where no one can find me and where I can see the doorknob because I’m afraid of being locked in. Sometimes I’ve been there for weeks. Instead of having to go to the hospital, I would wait for the dopamine. Before that, I kept working and overriding, then I got really sick. I usually know the tipping point. But this time I missed it.”
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