Your 9-year-old's bad mood may be a sign of puberty. Yes, already.

To be fair, like many people at this age, boys' first physical changes (abnormally slow growth of the penis and testicles) can be difficult to find if they hide or seek privacy. may be difficult. Breast sprouting in girls tends to be more noticeable, but strategically worn clothing can help make the growth less noticeable. It turns out that the most commonly recognized sign of entering adolescence is not physical at all, but moodiness. I rolled my eyes and took the sound of the door slamming as my cue.

Depending on the child's personality, temperament, biology, and environment, mood swings can manifest as dramatic, overused emotions or as complete silence. Generally, but not always, girls tend to let their moods out and laugh, cry, and vent more loudly and often than they did when they were younger. Boys, again, but not always, become quieter, or at least quieter, and sometimes more irritable as they move toward adolescence. In a world of mood swings, it's important to include silence along with eye rolls, shoulder shrugs, and dramatic movements.

Parents often ask us, “Why does my 10-year-old son act like a 14-year-old?” That's because your children probably have the same hormones at age 10 that you were expected to have at age 14. If we're worried about that, imagine how our children feel. When we teach children about body changes, we ask 8-, 9-, and 10-year-olds if they have ever had a reaction that was wildly disproportionate to a situation in front of them, and 100 percent of them said, Answer “Yes”. I then ask them if they like this feeling, and the answer is a unanimous no. Mood swings can feel confusing, uncomfortable, or even embarrassing, and sometimes they can occur at the same time. While this may be potentially stressful, it can help us readjust our expectations about when adolescent behaviors occur, making them less likely to be staring at our face (or hunched over a cell phone in the corner of the couch). It is our duty to take care of our children.

Science is most useful when combined with empathetic instruction. Perhaps this is why people like to tell stories about adolescent academics being subjected to the same glares and groans as everyone else. The only difference is that we know our kids (and ourselves!) are riding the hormonal roller coaster without seatbelts. Some suggestions:

Children are not always able to correct their mood. It seems like they're intentionally acting like assholes, but cut them some slack and credit the hormones for driving the mood bus. Testosterone and estrogen guide the direction toward sexual maturity, aided and facilitated by a large supporting cast of other hormones. These hormones rise slowly and steadily and not only reach new adult levels over time. Rather, in the body of a teenager or teenager, it almost aggressively spikes and plummets. Over time, the brain becomes accustomed to the supporting cast of estrogen, testosterone, and other hormones. And children also learn to regulate their reactions. But at the onset of adolescence, before most adults around them realize what's going on, sassy or reticent (or both) tweens can feel trapped by their reactions. .

That being said, I'm often asked how to tell the difference between adolescent mood swings and depression and other mental health issues. This can be difficult to distinguish, but the best clues are persistence (this is when mood, especially low mood, does not improve after a few days), intensity (this is especially severe mood swings, and this It's like nothing you've ever seen before. Before? ), and associated changes (changes in appetite, sleep patterns, or general energy levels). When in doubt, consult someone trained in mental health, not a diagnostician.

Do not mix fire with fire. Sure, we may lose our cool when faced with a young person who rants, slams doors, or sobs, but when we meet them on that level, where do we go? I won't go either. Rather, it is up to us to model what it looks like to pause and regroup. Our favorite technique is also the simplest: steady, deep breathing. Not only do they slow our thinking, cool our mood, and give empathy more time to sink in, they also signal a kind of co-regulation to the child. So when you're faced with the temptation to immediately retort to a screaming teenager, you can pause and have the peace of mind to say:It's obvious that you're upset. Leave the room for a few minutes. I'll probably be ready to talk about this when I get back. ”

Realize that as parents we are going to mess up. again and again. But that's okay. Because when we own it, apologize for our overreactions, and start over, we show our kids that there's always a way back. We are literally slowing down the car on a roller coaster course so that everyone involved can see the situation more clearly. Adults too need a lifeline from overreacting, and it shows how (with help) they can climb out of the deep well of mood swings. “I'm so sorry I lost it with you. My reaction was too much for the situation and I should have waited a moment before speaking. ”

Building connections with children happens not only when children understand that they can overcome uncomfortable situations, but also when they can trust their caregivers to come back and admit their mistakes. . We demonstrate that true connection lies not in perfection, but in the fallibility of our humanity.

Kara Natterson is a pediatrician and author. Vanessa Kroll Bennett is a writer and adolescent educator. Together, they are co-authors of This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained (Rodale Books, October 2023), host an adolescent podcast, and are the founders of a company dedicated to positively transforming adolescence.・I run Of Magnitude. Kara and Vanessa can be found on Instagram and her TikTok @spillingthepubertea. But perhaps their biggest claim to fame is that they are raising six teenage children between them.