Labor MPs channel Tory psychodrama as Starmer continues to hide in plain sight | John Crace

IIn the past, football managers measured their time at a club in months. Or even days at Spurs. Anything over two years entitles you to a seniority medal. Now it’s the prime ministers. In fact, it’s worse than that. Because these are also people who could one day become Prime Minister.

While some Labor MPs are considering how to get rid of Keir Starmer, others are already considering how to force Wes Streeting out of office if he jumps the gun before Andy Burnham is ready to mount his challenge. Who knows where this could all end? Somewhere in the metasphere. It won’t be long before Liz Truss is no longer our shortest-serving Prime Minister. Long live lettuce.

As I write, Zia Yusuf is probably building a dossier on Nigel Farage’s mysterious donations so that he can force him out of office sometime in 2030. I think we can understand that no one will do the same for Kemi Badenoch because she has no desire to go to Downing Street. It is more than possible that the next Conservative Prime Minister has not yet been elected to Westminster. That is if there will still be a Conservative Party in 15 years. Maybe we should learn to count our blessings.

But we cannot say that Labor has not learned from the Conservatives. They too have transformed politics into an evolving psychodrama. Theresa May was removed from office because she failed to deliver Brexit. Boris Johnson was expelled for his venality and failure to follow the rules. Radon Liz had to leave because she was completely desperate. Somehow the Tories were in such a hurry to find a replacement for Boris that they forgot to ask Liz to take a basic intelligence test.

So, less than two years after securing a 170-seat majority, Starmer finds himself on the verge of being forced to resign, with more than 80 of his MPs, including several ministers, having publicly called for his departure. Shabana Mahmood and Yvette Cooper told him the same thing in private. Keir’s crime? It just hasn’t been very inspiring. To have been the Keir he had always been. Hiding in plain sight. There was never any pretense. He has always been mediocre in terms of political management of the country. He had done some things well, many things poorly, and some things poorly.

Under different circumstances, all this could have been forgiven. A novice prime minister learning on the job would have had a little more time to improve. Put a warning. But these are not ordinary times. Labor MPs were genuinely frightened by the local election results. The prospect of a Reform government is much more frightening than that of another Conservative government. Even a conservative party moving into reformist territory. And many Labor members believe the Keir brand has become so toxic that if he remains in power, Nige will be well placed to win the next election.

But Keir has no plans to go anywhere yet. Certainly not without a fight. And he still has an ultra-loyalist Praetorian Guard that can be sent to defend him. Or rather ultra-loyalist. Step forward the Prime Minister’s chief secretary, Darren Jones, who was the lucky man tasked with handling the morning media tour. Not like he completely knew the line he was supposed to take, but knowing that freestyling could make things a lot worse than they already were.

Inevitably, all the questions were about Starmer’s leadership. He listens and talks to his colleagues, Darren insisted. Although he didn’t seem entirely convinced, Keir listened to the voices in his own head. At times, it all began to feel like a comedy of errors. We are all focused on our work, Jones continued. This had the merit of being true. If not in the sense intended by Dazza. Keir was indeed thinking about his work. Just like the cabinet members. Regarding the time they remained in power.

“I can’t anticipate any decision he might make,” Jones told Sky when asked if Starmer would set a timetable for his resignation. That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. Someone must have found Dazza before today’s interview because he didn’t make the same mistake again. He now claimed that no one was interested in the fantasy politics of who was at the top or bottom of the Labor Party. It was a complete lie – it’s literally the only thing dominating the news agenda. He also said the country doesn’t need any more chaos. A little late for that.

Soon after, it was time for Keir to attend the weekly cabinet meeting. Apparently he said he wouldn’t talk about the leaders and that if anyone wanted to talk to him about it, he would talk to them individually afterward. Then he refused to speak to anyone individually. We can’t help but think that this tactic is not sustainable indefinitely.

But some ministers were happy to chat to journalists outside Number 10 after the meeting finished. None more than Steve Reed. A man without a treacherous bone in his body. Someone who will go to his grave with the certainty that Keir is the one true Messiah. “The Prime Minister has my full support,” he said. Maybe it was a tear we saw in her eye. Peter Kyle went out of his way to let everyone know that he had a fascinating discussion about the situation in Iran. Maybe someone could pass this on to Donald Trump. Jenny Chapman said the Prime Minister was focused, resilient and healthy. She could have been talking about a patient in intensive care.

After that, a period of calm. Westminster returned to the rumor mill with only a few ministerial resignations to break the silence. TV hacks have gone crazy. So little to say, and endless airtime to say it. There was only a limited amount of speculation. Give it time and they will start demanding your resignation.