How to reconnect at the age when you feel the most alone

When Surgeon General Vivek Murthy went on a tour of universities across the country last fall, he started hearing similar questions over and over again.

It's time to participate community organization, club and religious group social interactions are increasingly occurring online rather than in person. some young people I am reporting level of loneliness In past decades, they were usually associated with older people.

This is one of the many reasons why loneliness is a problem both at the beginning and end of life. in research In a paper published last Tuesday in the journal Psychological Science, researchers found that loneliness follows a U-shaped curve. In other words, self-reported loneliness tends to decline as people approach middle age from young adulthood, but it tends to rise again after age 60, especially in the following ages. About 80 years old.

Everyone can experience loneliness, but Including middle-aged and elderly peopleBecause middle-aged people often interact with co-workers, spouses, children, and other people in their communities, they may feel more socially connected than other age groups, and these relationships tend to be more stable. “They can feel fulfilled doing it,” said associate Eileen K. Graham. He is a professor of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and the study's lead author.

As people get older, those opportunities can “start to disappear,” she says. The study looked at waves of data spanning several decades, starting in the 1980s and ending in 2018, and found that participants at both ends of the age range were more likely to agree with statements such as: It has become expensive. “I” or “My social relationships are superficial.”

“Just like we have physical muscles, we also have social muscles,” Dr. Murthy said. “And if you don't use your social muscles, they weaken.”

Left unchecked, loneliness can be dangerous to our physical and mental health and has been linked to problems such as heart disease, dementia, and suicidal thoughts.

Dr. Graham and other experts on social connections said there are small steps people can take at any age to foster a sense of belonging and social connection.

Perform related audits.

“Don't wait until later in life to realize that you lack a high-quality social network,” says Louise Hawkley, a loneliness researcher at NORC, a social research institute at the University of Chicago. .. “The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to make new connections.”

Julian Holt-Runstad, professor of psychology and neuroscience and director of Brigham Young University's Institute for Social Connections and Health, says most people have close relationships with at least four to six people. He said research suggests there are benefits.

But it's not just the quantity that matters, she adds, but also the variety and quality.

“Different relationships can meet different kinds of needs,” Dr. Holt-Runstad says. “Just as we need different foods to get different nutrients, we need different types of people in our lives.”

Ask yourself: Are you able to trust and support the people in your life? And are your relationships mostly positive rather than negative?

If so, that indicates those relationships are beneficial to your mental and physical health, she said.

Please join the group.

According to research, Poor health, living alone, and having few close family and friends are factors that increase feelings of loneliness after the age of 75.

But loneliness is not the only thing that causes loneliness. For people of all ages and genders, loneliness stems from a disconnect between what people want or expect from a relationship and what the relationship can provide.

If your network is shrinking or you're feeling dissatisfied with your relationships, seek out new connections by joining a community group or joining a social sports league. volunteerwhich can provide a sense of meaning and purpose, Dr. Hawkley said.

And if you're not satisfied with a certain type of volunteer work, don't give up, she added. Try a different type instead.

Joining an organization that interests you can give you a sense of belonging and is one way to speed up the process of directly connecting with like-minded people.

Refrain from using social media.

In her research, Gene Twenge, social psychologist and author of Generations, Social media use is associated with poorer mental health — especially among girls — and access to smartphones and internet use.Increases in line with teenage loneliness”

Instead of defaulting to having an online conversation or simply responding to someone's post, you can offer to bond over a meal. Telephone calls are prohibited.

And if a text message or social media conversation gets long or complicated, transition into a real-time conversation by texting, “Can I call you for a second?” Dr. Twenge said.

Finally, Dr. Holt-Lunstad suggested asking a friend or family member to go for a walk instead of corresponding online. Not only is the walk free, but it also has the added benefit of providing fresh air and exercise.

Be proactive.

“Often when people feel lonely, they may be waiting for someone else to reach out to them,” says Dr. Holt-Runstad. “It can feel so hard to ask for help or even start a social interaction. You feel so vulnerable. What if they say no?”

Some people may feel more comfortable reaching out to others for help, she added. She added that doing so allows her to focus “on the outside instead of on the inside.”

Experts say small acts of kindness not only preserve relationships, but also strengthen them.

For example, if you love to cook, offer to drop off food for friends and family, Dr. Twenge said.

“As well as strengthening your social connections, helping can also boost your mood,” she added.