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Of all things: Beau Gestures: Remembering a joking bar from days gone by | Roxborough Review
Here we are, the first day of April, traditionally referred to as the day people will play tricks for. I doubt very few people are in the mood for such nonsense in this year of illness and disorder.
But I am a little cheered to remember a few days ago April fools with a smile.
I was first assigned to write a column, six days a week, for the old Evening Newsletter, after working there as a journalist and other minor journalistic assignments for 21 years.
March 2, 1969 was my first column and, as I saw it approaching April 1, I decided to play the trick on readers.
The satellites that surrounded the earth at the time were all the rage. For the first time, the United States, Russia, and eight other countries threw all kinds of hardware there.
So on April 1, I wrote a column about a Philadelphia scientist who designed an artificial terrestrial satellite that would give the earth a uniformly temperate climate.
I identified him as Dr. Justin A. Gesta, Associate Professor of Theoretical Defestration at Geromorphic Physiognomy at Philadelphia College.
His plan was simple. The satellite would launch in circumpolar orbit, passing over the equator and one of the poles alternately, every 25 minutes.
As the Earth rotated beneath it, the satellite would pass over a different part of it with each passing through its orbit.
A series of ducts and fans, controlled by radar-sensitive thermostats, would suck in hot tropical air and frigid polar air, and throw hot air on columns and cold air in the tropics, giving the Earth’s surface a uniformly temperate climate.
I thought the languages of the reader would quickly shift to the cheek as I outlined the details of the plan. In addition to Dr. Gesta’s obvious name, the official name of his project was the Satellite Project, Orbital Freezer (abbreviated as SPOOF.)
Dr. The gesture highlighted the many benefits and some problems with the plan, and it is more and more pointless. The column ended with a good doctor who said there was no need for anyone to complain, because dissolving polar ice caps would put the entire Earth under 37 feet of water anyway.
He mentioned that with reports of fantastic scientific advances, it would seem that on a daily basis, some people will believe anything, even if announced by a non-existent professor like him from a fictitious university.
I wrote that he taught “defnestration,” which is defined as “the act of throwing something or someone out the window.” Physiognomy is the study of the earth’s surface. His name was obviously a joke. And the last row of the column made it clear that it was the first day of April.
I imagined readers laughing at the absurd article. What I didn’t expect was that I started receiving phone calls, some angry and some patiently sympathetic, helpful explaining that there were a few flaws in Dr. Gesta’s plan.
Also, two callers wanted to get in touch with a doctor because they were interested in investing in his project.
A day or two after five or six phone calls, which I found difficult to deal with diplomatically, I received several letters of the same kind.
In later years, I again pulled the April Fool’s Day jokes on my readers. (This is not one of them).
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