Monday night monologues: justice for cricket

Missed Monday evening monologues? We've got you covered with our roundup of the night's best laughs from across the dial.

Noemland for young dogs

So South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem murdered a puppy. Lest we here at LateNighter be accused of smearing the Republican vice-presidential hopeful with the very worst thing anyone could imagine, it should be added that Noem himself bragged about killing the lucky 14-month-old wire-haired pointer named Cricke in the head to the dog. committed the apparently deadly sin of not being particularly good at hunting. Oh, and since Noem was on a roll, the right-wing politician also went and got the family goat and sent it on its way as well, impassively explaining in her upcoming book that she then answered her young daughter's question, “Hey, where's Cricket? ” with, one assumes, a parent's assurance that any beings who can't live up to Mom's standards will have one thrown in the face.

Like much of the rest of the world, the late-night hosts were all over Noem on Monday, bringing up not only the Cricket-cide, but Noem's thought process that sharing such a cold-blooded story about pet slaughter was precisely would be good. to steer her in the right direction with her potential future boss. As Seth Meyers put it (after referencing Noem's now-overshadowed weird infomercial for an out-of-state cosmetic dentist): “These stories tell us a lot about Kristi Noem, but they also tell us a lot about Donald Trump. She wants to be his vice president and found both things positive. That if her name came up, Trump would say, “Nice teeth, kills a lot of dogs to love.”

“In her new book, Noem admitted to killing her dog. Now I know that sounds terrible… but it's even worse.'

stephen colbert

“She thought telling that story would make her look cool. What's going on, does she think cats can vote?”

set meyers

[On Noem writing that a better politician wouldn’t tell this story] “Oh, I don't know, I remember William Henry Harrison's famous catchphrase: 'Tippecanoe and I beat a raccoon to death with my bare hands.'”

stephen colbert

“If you want to win over voters, I'm not sure being the villain in a John Wick movie is the best way to do that.”

Jimmy Fallon

[On Noem’s quote about the doomed Cricket “going out of her mind with excitement chasing those birds” and “having the time of her life”] “But who among us has never seen a dog running through the fields, not a care in the world, and thought, 'You deserve to die.'”

stephen colbert

[On Noem’s bewildering damage control about also recently killing three family horses] “Way to change the narrative. “Yes, I killed a dog, but in my defense, three horses sleep with your eyes open, donkey!”

set meyers

“Governor Noem, if you don't like untrainable animals that eat chickens, then I have bad news for you about your party's candidate.”

stephen colbert

“To summarize for those shocked that she shot a puppy and a goat, she would like you to know that she also shoots horses.”

Jimmy Kimmel

[On Noem writing “I hated that dog” after describing Cricket as “the picture of pure joy”] “Kay, this book is starting to sound less like a political memoir and more like the scribbled manifesto of a man whose neighbors said, 'He just kind of kept to himself, you know?'”

stephen colbert

“Not one of them [Noem’s staff] raised their hands and said, “Um, Governor, don't you think it would be a good idea to share that story about the shooting up of an entire petting zoo in your home?”

Jimmy Kimmel

“So then she shot the goat into the well. And I don't want to get into the semantics here, but if there are two dead animals in there, it's no longer a gravel pit. It is a pit for dead animals…with gravel.”

stephen colbert

“By the way, the actual title of Noem's book in which she tells this story is No return. Better than her first designs, Old Yeller 2: He let it happen And All dogs go to the gravel pit.

stephen colbert

“People will really hate her next book, Kristi Noem: Then I ate it.”

Jimmy Fallon

Erection fraud, continued

With most of the hosts back from vacation late in the evening, there was plenty of Trump news to catch up on, even though the Trump trial did not take place on Monday due to the Passover holiday. And while the fact that the first, utterly damning witness in the trial of a man who allegedly paid a porn star to defraud the electorate was named “Pecker” seemed like irresistible low-hanging fruit (so to speak), the hosts took the time to responsibly explain that this is not so much a “hush money” trial, but rather a criminal conspiracy trial. Of course, none of these guys could be expected to completely leave that Pecker alone, as Stephen Colbert summed up the stream of damaging testimony by noting, “But covering up Trump's affairs was just the tip of the Pecker.” They're just people, people.

“Former President Trump complained during his hush money trial that the courtroom is too cold. And Stormy Daniels said, “Your Honor, I've heard that excuse before.”

Jimmy Fallon

[On the “catch and kill” National Enquirer policy of intercepting potentially damaging Trump stories] “Yes, 'catch and kill.' That's another early title of Kristi Noem's book.

stephen colbert

“How ignorant do you have to be to wish your wife a happy birthday outside the courtroom where you're on trial for paying off a porn star?”

Jimmy Kimmel

[On upcoming testimony about Trump’s affair with Playboy model Karen McDougal] “Which of course begs the eternal question: if publisher Pecker paid a Playboy Playmate, how many Playboy Playmates did publisher Pecker pay?”

stephen colbert

“The guys broke nine of the 10 commandments, and he came pretty close to killing Mike Pence on January 6th. That would have been ten out of ten. He could have had his card punched in.”

set meyers

“Of course, paying a porn star in installments is technically called the 'Getting Laid-away Plan'.”

stephen colbert

Potpourri

[Responding to President Biden’s anecdote about his uncle supposedly being eaten by cannibals] “Okay, we get it. Scranton was a tough town.”

set meyers

[After a delegate released a live dove in the United Nations] “Yes, it flew around for hours and eventually they had to bring in Kristi Noem.”

Jimmy Fallon

[On a large Orlando drug bust] “Wow, that's almost enough drugs to have a good time in Orlando.”

set meyers

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