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New York and New Jersey earthquake and eclipse: the end of time?
Photo: Alexandre Spatari/Getty Images
As you may have witnessed or heard on Twitter, an earthquake in New Jersey shook New York City and the surrounding area. My cat was very upset, as was I, because I have overwhelming anxiety disorder and thought I was about to die in a nuclear explosion. But we survived, and now I and said disorder must wonder: Is this the end times? As the Intelligencer's official Rapture correspondent, I have to admit I'm worried. We had flooding earlier this week. A solar eclipse is imminent, as is a locust plague. Eric Adams is the city's mayor. It's all very disturbing!
Therefore, I return to the Bible for guidance, as if the earth had shaken off atheism directly from me. The Book of Revelation mentions earthquakes frequently. For example, in chapter 8: “And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire from the altar, and cast it unto the earth: and there came noises, and thunders, and lightnings, and an earthquake.” And then, in chapter 16: “And there were voices and thunders and lightnings, and there was a great earthquake, the like of which had not occurred since people were on the earth, an earthquake so great and so great.
Some of us might be tempted to call this earthquake a great earthquake, depending on what we were doing when it happened.
There was a fucking earthquake in the middle of my vasectomy
— Justin Allen (@Jallen_Town) April 5, 2024
Hearing initial reports (group texts) that many people were in the toilets due to the earthquake
— Christopher Mathias (@letsgomathias) April 5, 2024
I have to admit that the combination of earthquake and eclipse is a real thing. Interesting fact: The eclipse will be visible in Rochester, New York, the heart of the Old Burning District — named after the religious movements that once arose there with great frequency. My in-laws live nearby… Maybe it's time for me to start a new religious movement, as I've threatened to do since I graduated from a glorious Bible college. There is no doubt that the Buffalo Bills draft pick will play a central role. In fact, I qualify for a few other things. Writer or cult leader: Those were my options.
I chose the least paying career, so I have to be honest with you. I'm not sure our 4.8 magnitude shake meets the criteria set by the Book of Revelation. Not to belittle everyone's feelings, of course. We all need something to talk about. We are all in desperate need of distraction from work. But I haven't heard any voices, and we all seem to be alive, so I think divine judgment may not be upon us. Until now. Look, if you grew up the way I did (segregated and evangelical in the American South), you know from countless pastors that the end times have been on the way since Christ returned to heaven. Friday's earthquake may have changed a little. Maybe it's just a little nudge from God — to read your Bible, or text your ex, or something else. Machine! He's such a diva.
Not that I believe any of that, of course. The earthquake is over, and I am an atheist again. for now. Let's see how these locusts are formed.
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